One of the most heart-wrenching problems that can happen in a budding relationship is when two people aren’t on the same page, but not everyone is being honest about it. When you invest your heart and soul, and sometimes even years, into a relationship just to find out that it’s never going to work, that it WAS never going to work, it’s devastating. And usually, the culprit behind a situation like this is Commitment. Or rather, commitment issues. 

This was the case for one of my clients, Karen.

Karen was in her late 30s and had never been married. She had been actively dating and had been in several relationships off and on for most of her adult life. When she started coaching with me, she was finally in a promising relationship with a professional man in his early 40s. They had been together for about 2 years, and she was hoping to bring it to the next level of commitment, namely marriage! 

Although they seemed to be deeply in love, and he had been her rock through some very emotional and bonding times, he didn’t seem motivated to move the relationship further. Every time the subject of a deeper commitment came up, he seemed to deflect or change the subject. She was starting to second-guess herself, worrying that she was doing something wrong. She began to wonder, “Am I imagining it? Am I the problem? What’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to marry me? Am I overreacting?”

Sound familiar?

Karen wasn’t imagining it, and she wasn’t overreacting. It turned out that her boyfriend had serious commitment issues. 

The fear of commitment, or gamophobia, isn’t necessarily a common problem in relationships, but if you are single and out of your 20s, it is one of the bigger concerns, especially for women.

Taking your time and getting life under your belt makes sense in your 20s. You are often still discovering who you are and what you want out of life. Many 20-somethings find that their goals and values change during these years, and being aligned in those areas is crucial for two people building a life together. 

But at some point, usually by their late 20s or early 30s, most people have a vision for their future and of their ideal partner. And it’s assumed (usually correctly) that when a couple decides to become exclusive, they are on the same page. Because most people expect relationships to progress at a certain pace. First, dating and getting to know one another, then exclusivity and emotional commitment, and eventually partnership, whether that’s through marriage, cohabitation, or other means, and finally family (if that’s part of the plan).

So when one person in the relationship seems to be holding back, it’s fair to wonder why and what this means for the future.

Especially when everyone around them assumes that lasting commitment is imminent. 

Erin was a late 20s divorced woman who still dreamed of having a family. She began dating Bill, and the chemistry and connection were instantaneous. They were joined at the hip, fully in love, and seemed like a perfect couple. They enjoyed the same activities, had similar values, spent time with each other’s families, and even traveled significant distances for special occasions and holidays. Bill was a genuinely nice guy, smart, kind, with a great job, and fun hobbies that they both enjoyed. Everyone, including his entire family, expected him to propose.

But on their 3rd anniversary, Bill admitted he still wasn’t sure. He was terrified of a lifelong commitment to something, even someone he loved. Erin was devastated and ended the relationship. That was 20 years ago. Erin moved on, fell in love, got married, and has a beautiful family. Bill is still single, living a lonely bachelor life in his 50s.

So what went wrong? Why are some people so afraid of commitment, even when their lives are filled with love and joy? 

And why do some people miss or overlook the signs of commitment issues in their partners, often staying years longer than they should? 

Commitment issues can stem from a number of sources.

1. Fear of Losing Independence and/or Conflicting Values or Goals

   Independence is a large concern for many of my clients. No one wants to feel like they no longer have any control over their lives. But good relationships require compromise and sacrifice, even more so if children are part of the desired future. Someone may say they want marriage and a family, but have unspoken doubts, for a variety of reasons, about all that entails.
   
   

2. Fear of Getting Hurt / Unresolved Traumas

   In an article on Psychology Today, Psychologist Bernard Golden, Ph.D., posits that “Fear of rejection or abandonment is a major factor that contributes to commitment issues regarding relationships.”  Those past traumas, heartbreaks, or betrayals can make someone cautious to fully commit. Their subconscious keeps telling them: If I don’t get too close, I can’t get hurt like that again.
   
   

3. Unrealistic Expectations of Marriage

   Cultural messages or past family experience often fuel this source of resistance. Maybe she is afraid of being cast into the subservient role that she saw played out in her mother’s life. It could be that he is worried about being a good provider or a good parent. Maybe they see marriage as the end of excitement or the beginning of problems. Regardless, a partner who is fearfully unsure of their role and responsibilities is going to have a hard time with commitment.
   
   

4. Fear of Choosing the Wrong Person

   Some people just have a hard time making decisions. They are always stuck in “what if” mode, afraid they’ll make a decision and later regret it. And the reason they often seem to be on the same page as their partner is because they’ve let their partner make all the decisions. What appears to be an easy-going, agreeable nature is, in actuality, a person who’s afraid, or doesn’t know how, to decide for themselves.  
   
   

5. Comfort with the Status Quo

   When a person is good and comfortable with the current stage of a relationship, they may balk at the idea of changing things up. It’s not fear of commitment as much as a fear of change. Simply put, they are comfortable, and change, even positive change, threatens that. 
   
   In Karen’s case, this boiled down to neither partner truly identifying and understanding their core relationship values and goals. Marriage was not part of her boyfriend’s mindset. He got what he wanted from the relationship, a date for the weekends and intimacy- no strings attached. He was happy with the status quo. And this could have gone on for years!
   
   
   

6. Emotional Immaturity or Lack of Readiness

   Finally, some people just aren’t ready. They may behave like they are. They may even believe that they are. But when push comes to shove, they simply aren’t ready emotional responsibility that real commitment requires. These people are often just as confused as their partner when the relationship falls apart.
   
   

Why do so many singles stay in relationships with partners who exhibit commitment issues? 

1. Mixed Signals

   One of the most confusing problems in a relationship is when both partners seem fully committed, leading one to assume that the relationship is on track, while the other is still unsure. They seem to be on pace until the conversation turns to marriage, and then suddenly the subject gets avoided or deflected. Mixed signals are confusing to the hopeful partner, leaving them wondering what they did wrong and what to do next.
   
   

2. Emotional Connection

   The chemistry of love is a powerful thing. It’s so hard to override a heart in love, even when your head is telling you that something is wrong. Your emotional investment makes it easy to ignore or minimize your partner’s hesitancy to commit. Especially if the physical aspect of the relationship is compelling. Between the two, it’s hard not to be hopeful that commitment is around the corner.
   
   

3. Hopefulness

   Sometimes it’s easier to just sit and enjoy the relationship as it is than to push and rock the boat. Sometimes it’s easier to believe that the hesitant partner will come around if you just give them enough time. It’s easier to believe that love conquers all and that your love for them will eventually seal the deal. 
   
   

4. Fear of Starting Over

   This is one of the biggest problems for my clients in stalling relationships. If you’ve spent years with someone, the idea of ending it and starting over is terrifying. The insecurity of the relationship you’ve been in may have gaslit you into believing those little gremlins that keep you from finding true love. 
   
   The ones that whisper “Maybe it’s me?”, “Am I unlovable?”, “Will anyone still want me?”, “There’s not enough time.”, “Am I too old?”.  These fears keep beautiful, valuable, loveable people in relationships that are going nowhere for far too long. 

How to move forward if you are in a relationship that lacks future commitment.

The first step is to genuinely identify your relationship goals, core values, and vision for your future partner. 

This sounds easy, but many people have a hard time with this, especially when they are in a relationship. This exercise has to be done without consideration of another person. This isn’t about compromising; it’s about identifying what’s most important to you, and for you alone. 

Once you have a firm grip on those, you have to look at your current partner and get really honest about whether or not they fit the bill. 

I’d encourage both you and your partner to do this independently of each other and then later have a serious conversation about your futures. If you’re partner is unwilling or thinks it’s  frivolous, you might just have your answer about their commitment

Through our coaching, Karen was able to identify her goals & values, of which marriage and family were key. I then encouraged her to discuss these desires with her boyfriend. What she found out was that he had no intention of taking the relationship to the next level. He just didn’t have the capacity to go deeper with the relationship.

This finally gave her the push she needed to end that relationship. Unfortunately, she had given him two years of her life, hoping that he would be the one.

But once she was free of that relationship, she was able to look with fresh eyes at the future and her prospects. Within a month of putting herself back out there, she found herself drawn to a man at work who had been showing interest. Given all the internal work she did with our coaching, Karen now had the tools to ask for what she wanted in a relationship. Rob was looking for all the same things she was, and they found their values were aligned. They quickly became exclusive and got engaged within six months! They’ve been happily married since September 2017. 

Ending a relationship with commitment issues takes courage and confidence. 

If you’ve been afraid to face the truth about a partner’s commitment issues, remember that clarity is a gift. The sooner you see it, the sooner you can move toward someone truly ready to build a future with you.

Maybe you are with someone like Karen’s boyfriend, who was happy with an arrangement that only really benefited them. Or maybe you are with a great person like Erin was, but they just can’t seem to get clear of their own gremlins to enjoy a committed relationship. 

Regardless of the why, YOU have to believe that you deserve the love and life of your dreams and be strong enough not to settle for less. 

What’s been stopping you from moving forward in your romantic relationships? Are you ready to commit yourself to finding true, lasting love? If you need help answering these questions or in any part of your dating and relationship process, let’s talk. I love helping singles find themselves and their true love! Go to https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/ and let’s find a time to talk!

How do you know if YOU’RE ready for lasting love? To find out your readiness, take my FREE “Are You Ready to Meet Your Mate” Quiz and find out! Go to https://motivatedtomarry.com/quiz/ today!

Key Takeaways

• Commitment issues can derail relationships, often leading to dissatisfaction, heartbreak, and delaying marriage and family.
• When one partner shows a reluctance to commit, it can cause self-doubt and confusion for the other.
• A fear or lack of commitment may stem from various sources, including loss of independence, indecision, emotional immaturity, past traumas, unrealistic expectations, or being satisfied with the status quo.
• Many singles stay in unfulfilling relationships due to mixed signals, emotional attachment, and fear of starting over.
• Identifying core values and relationship goals is crucial for moving forward when dating for lasting love and marriage.