You may not have intended to end up here. Some things “just are,” right? College, jobs, travel, a major breakup or two, and now, you’re looking at the calendar and realizing somewhere along the way, you got used to being single.

You may not even have noticed how quickly the years have passed because being alone just became comfortable, easier, safer even, than trying to find someone to spend your life with. 

Not only that, but maybe you’re realizing that even your friends have given up on you finding love. Maybe you’ve communicated too many times that you’re not interested in dating, and it finally stuck. They stopped asking, prodding, and encouraging. 

But at this point you have to ask yourself: Is being single what I truly desire for the rest of my life?

Being used to being single isn’t the same as wanting to stay single. 

Don’t get me wrong. There’s no judgement here. Flying solo isn’t all bad. For anyone who is married, let alone with children, “me time” is a coveted commodity that needs to be planned, respected, and honored.

Even for the living-alone single, life in solo mode has its advantages:

• peace and quiet
• the toilet seat where you want it
• a good night’s sleep
• your schedule as you want it to be
• doing the activities you want to do when you want to do them
• travel on your schedule 
• an organized or messy house. Your choice!

What’s not to love? Your life your way. No hassles, no arguments.

However, if you’re like many singles, especially those over 30, there’s still a desire, maybe even a secret desire, to find that perfect someone to connect with, love, and share a life with.   

How do you know if you truly want to be in a lasting relationship? 

It’s not unusual to see singles who have struggled with dating or relationships get to a point where they shove the idea to the back of their mind and lifestyles. 

They project healthy independence, strength, a full life, contentment. They make it clear that they don’t need a relationship to be happy. And for many singles, this is absolutely true. They thrive in their solo life. 

Yet for many others, this identity as a successful single who neither needs nor wants a relationship is actually just a brave face. A persona they’ve established to avoid painful feelings caused by the pain or trauma of previous attempts at relationships. 

But deep down there are signals that yes, they’d rather not stay single forever. If only they could figure out how to meet someone who would truly love them the way they deserve to be loved.

Signals that you may still desire to be married or in a committed relationship

• You get a feeling of envy or wistfulness when you’re around healthy, happy couples.
• You still dream of having a family, raising children, being pregnant (if you’re a woman), with a loving partner. 
• You desire to love someone deeply, to know and be known by them.
• You find yourself becoming sad when you watch romantic movies or read love stories, wishing you were the main character who finally finds true love. 
• You wish you had someone to share life’s experiences, decisions, traditions, challenges, and personal growth with. 
• You feel a persistent, almost haunting sense that someone is missing from your life.
• The desire for partnership keeps returning, even after discouraging dates or long periods when you’ve stopped looking.

This was the story of my client Kim, a retired 68-year-old widow ready for something more in her life. She had plenty of friends. She loved to travel. Yet, she was tired of not having someone special to share those experiences with. She didn’t “need” a partner, but she wanted one anyway. 

“It was a long 18 years alone after my husband passed. I’d go out and have a bad experience. And I’d be like a little turtle: shut the dating site down, shut my profile down, and just have a full life… and then the desire would kinda rise back up”

How to find true love when you’re used to being single

First, you need to understand why you’ve put up walls.

If you’ve created a lifestyle of self-reliance, it’s for a reason. But now it’s time to look at why and what this lifestyle has been protecting you from. 

Could it be that dating or relationship disappointments or trauma that left you with a fear of rejection, feeling unlovable, mistrust, discouragement, scarcity thinking, self-criticism, lack of time, or the belief that love won’t happen for you? 

Were there more practical barriers to a coupled-life like your career, education, caregiving, travel, an overloaded schedule, or rigid routines?

It’s understandable if these are difficult areas to explore on your own. If you find yourself avoiding this step, you might consider enlisting a trusted friend, a spiritual counselor, or engaging a coach or therapist to help you through this process. 

Next, you need to prepare for love and the kind of relationship you want.

When you’re able to consider sharing your life with someone, the next step is visualizing what that life looks like. 

• Are you crystal clear on the relationship values that matter most to you in a life partner?
• Do you have a vision of what your ideal partner looks like and how they behave? Their personality and how they interact with you?
• Have you considered the life goals you’ll need to share in order to have the kind of life you want with this person?
• Have you established your must-haves, nice-to-haves, and deal-breakers? And can you ask for what you want and need from a partner?
  

Then, let others know you’re open to finding love.

If your family and friends have stopped trying to set you up or asking about your love life, it’s time to reopen those doors. At least with those you trust! This is helpful in two ways: 

1. Find your Connectors
   I’m a big believer that strategic dating means involving people who love and support you. They’re often the best people to find and make thoughtful introductions for you.
   
   These Connectors are people who’re already supportive of your goals and will naturally be looking for you. However, for it to be truly effective, you have to provide them with the right information so they know a quality match when they see it.
   
   I teach all my clients how to create a 30-second infomercial to equip their connectors with truly useful information about what the perfect person for you actually looks like, inside and out.
   
   
2. Get an Accountability Partner
   If you’re independent and used to being single, this might be a difficult step. But I truly believe this is an underused strategy in dating. Having someone you trust involved in your dating process helps to take some of the weight off of what feels like (and may be) life-changing decisions.
   
   It’s easy to lose focus or fall back into old habits, like chasing unavailable people or getting hung up on chemistry. But when you’ve got someone checking in, asking how the date went, or challenging you on a potential match, you’re more likely to follow through.

And, with the right person, it can be fun too.  

Finally, start dating intentionally and make room for love in your life

Dating for lasting love isn’t the same as anything you ever did before. It’s not about flirting with everyone you meet or swiping right on every attractive profile. 

If you want to find someone truly aligned with who you are and what you want out of a relationship, you need to have an intentional strategy for meeting and dating the right people. 

How you find people to date depends on a number of factors, including your personality, lifestyle, interests, and values, but I always suggest adding targeted online dating into your plan.

What do I mean by targeted online dating? 

That when creating your profile, you clearly communicate your reason for dating- that you want to find lasting love, marriage, or a life partner. And that you don’t waver from this reason with every profile you evaluate or match with. No more swiping right on the cute guy who “just wants to have fun”, or the pretty girl who “wants to meet new people”. 

The goal is not to have more matches and hope one of them will eventually want what you want. The goal of online dating is to have access to a wider pool of people so you can find the one person who does want what you want.

And when you do find them, you need to make space in your life for them. 

In more than 20 years of coaching marriage-minded singles, I’ve learned that wanting a relationship and making room for one aren’t always the same. 

So before you meet someone special, take time now to determine if you need to make any changes to your schedule, lifestyle, or commitments in order to date and prioritize a relationship. 

You can find love without losing the life you’ve built

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to change who you are or give up your independence. Even if you’re used to being single, your unique personality and self-reliance are just two of many qualities that will make you a good partner with the right person. 

If you’re realizing that maybe you do still want to find true and lasting love, take the first step and consider reaching out. Coaching provides you a foundation to start from, support along the way, and a safety net if dating starts to feel risky again. You don’t have to do it alone. 

When you’re ready, schedule a complimentary Discovery Session with me, and let’s discuss if the coupled life truly is for you!

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