This Fourth of July, we are celebrating 250 years of Independence as a nation. What an amazing milestone for an amazing place to call home! 

And while most Americans will focus on cookouts and fireworks, this is also the perfect time for reflection. For singles specifically, there is so much that independence can teach about how to find and keep lasting love. 

Many people think commitment is an end to freedom, believing that for a relationship to work, they have to give up their wants and needs to make someone else happy. 

Yet, independence and love are not opposites. Healthy independence helps singles become free from what holds them back, clear about what they want, confident enough to ask for what they need, and, hopefully, emotionally mature enough to build a relationship without losing themselves.

Here are five lessons on independence and love that 250 years of freedom can teach you. 

1. Independence allows you to be free from old habits, hurts, and hang-ups. 

When the Declaration of Independence was signed, the founding fathers were putting the world on notice that our nation was done patiently suffering the “long train of abuses” at the hands of England. Things weren’t good; the people were languishing, and it was time to do something different.  

For many singles, the reason they have such a hard time with dating and relationships is that they are still bound by a past that has either harmed their dating life or is no longer serving them and their search for love. They’ve been:

• Giving in to dating gremlins like fear, self-protection, insecurity, scarcity mindset, or discouragement.
• Putting up walls and avoiding emotional intimacy to protect themselves from getting hurt.
• Repeating unsuccessful dating patterns like ignoring red flags, overvaluing chemistry, choosing the same kind of partner, or rushing attachment
• Keeping their personal and professional lives too busy, leaving them with no room to date, let alone nurture a relationship.

If you want to find love, you have to declare your independence from all the limiting beliefs and practices that have held you back. It’s time to do the inner work and be committed to moving forward in healthier and more intentional ways. 

2. Independence allows you freedom from the expectations, plans, or opinions of others.  

Independence not only means letting go, but it also means standing on your own. It became necessary for the American colonies to “dissolve the political bands” and throw off Great Britain and her demands. 

If you’re single and seriously searching for lasting love, you might need to let go of the expectations of others. Many singles look at potential matches through the lens of what they’re told they should want. Most of the time, they don’t even realize they are doing this. 

• Do your family, friends, or community have expectations about the kind of person you bring home? Their age, education, profession, culture, interests, personality? 
• Do you find yourself looking for what is “socially acceptable” rather than being honest with yourself about the kind of person who will truly make you happy? 
• Have you ever really liked someone but dismissed them because they weren’t “enough” to meet others’ standards and you worried about how they would be perceived?

Independence teaches us that true love can’t be found when you pursue the kind of partner who will make someone else happy. You have the right to pursue love based on your own personality, goals, desires, and values. 

3. Independence helps you establish what you really want and truly value

The Declaration of Independence was clear about what was important to a new country: “ life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. 

When it comes to lasting love, it’s not enough to say, “I want to be in love” or “I want to get married.” You have to ask yourself:

• What do I truly value in life? 
• What do I truly value in others?
• What kind of life do I want to build? 
• What kind of partner fits into that life? 
• What kind of relationship would be healthy and supportive for me?

Can you truly say that you know exactly what you want in a loving relationship and that you’re independent enough to stick to it? 

The clearer you are, the easier it becomes to recognize the right person when they come along. 

4. Independence allows you to stand for what you need in love

Knowing what you want is only half the battle. The colonies asked and asked for their freedom, but eventually, they had to take a stand and fight.

Once you have a clear picture of what and who you are looking for, you need to be able to communicate it and not settle for less.

For example, many singles who want to get married are afraid to directly say this to potential dates or in their dating profiles because they don’t want to seem needy, or too demanding, too serious, or too direct. They’re afraid they’ll scare people off.

But when you are dating for marriage or lasting love, you aren’t searching for more dates; you are searching for the right person to date and get to know better. 

Independence in dating means being secure enough to communicate honestly, not shrinking your needs to keep someone interested, and sometimes being strong enough to walk away if your needs are being ignored. 

5. Independence should strengthen a healthy relationship

Love does not mean giving up your independence for the sake of another. Yes, there are compromises and sacrifices that we make in a healthy, loving relationship. But sacrificial love only works when it is freely given rather than begrudgingly given up. 

And when both partners are actively considering the other person’s needs, wants, and desires, it creates a dynamic of mutually assured happiness.

Each state of our union is independent and unique from one another. Each has its unique ecosystems, climate, and cultures. And as different as Idaho is from Florida or New York is from Mississippi, each state complements and contributes to the unity of our nation. In the best and the worst times, we are stronger together. 

Likewise, in relationships, you can, and should be, uniquely you. When you are true to yourself, you’ll find someone who will love what you bring to the relationship and to their life. 

Kathy was widowed in her late 60’s and had a very full life with friends, interests, and a wonderful community. When she met Doug, he was also widowed and involved with his grandson, even taking care of him several days a week. They both loved skiing. 

Doug didn’t ask Kathy to give up her life, and neither did Kathy ask this of Doug. They found a way to give each other space and find time to be together.  Several years later, they are still going strong. 

Independence shouldn’t end when someone finds love. It should become part of what helps a relationship stay strong. 

Independence and love are not mutually exclusive. 

When the United States separated itself from Great Britain, it did so in order to protect the people of this new country. It fought for freedom from tyranny while fully committing itself to the dreams and ideals of one another.  

This is what we celebrate as a nation. It’s actually less about freedom from what used to control us and more about making choices for the greater good of our people. 

And this is the actual lesson we learn from 250 years of Independence: without freedom, we cannot be truly bonded to another. 

How about you? How do you embrace your independence in your pursuit of true love? Or are you still having a hard time figuring it all out? 

If you could use some help with finding your life partner, let’s talk. Schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me, and let’s see how Motivated to Marry® coaching can help empower you to gain independence from what’s been holding you back and confidence to move forward into a happy, healthy, thriving relationship!