Rarely does someone plan to find themselves single and alone at 40, without love or a family. There are very few who intentionally choose a single path for life. Yet more and more people are putting off romance and families in lieu of pursuing careers, adventure, or travel. And while these ambitions are good, and having few regrets looking back is admirable, too often men and women are trading one type of regret for another.
For others, it’s not about ambition. This is just where life has taken them. Maybe they’ve had family responsibilities or health issues, unsuccessful relationships, or divorce; they, too, may find themselves regrettably single at 40.
Regardless, this can be a very difficult place to be if you are 40+ and have wanted both a partner and a family. The question turns from “What do I want to accomplish in my life?” to “What am I missing out on?”, “Do I have to choose between a partner and having a child?, “Is there still time to have both?”.
For women, the dilemma is particularly more urgent with fertility rates decreasing in their late 30s and 40s. Men, too, worry about the choice. If they’ve always wanted children, they are starting to face questions of energy and time. How active can they be as fathers in their 40s & 50s?
So what is there to do? Do you pursue love first and hope there are options for children later, time permitting, or do you pursue having a child first, potentially being a single parent forever? More and more, we are seeing women freezing their eggs, pursuing single IVF or surrogacy, men pursuing foster & adoption, and even friends committing to each other solely to procreate and co-parent.
While you are exploring your options, I want you to know, I understand. I too was 40 and single myself.
Personally, I wanted to be married and to have kids. I never considered being a single parent at 40. Yet many of my clients do, and I have friends who decided to have children on their own, either by donor or by adoption.
Unfortunately, many women feel that it’s an “either/or” situation. They feel that if they go the baby route on their own, they will have to forgo having a loving male partner in their life. Or, if they decide to date to find a life partner, then they may have to give up their dream of having their own biological child. In reality, this is not necessarily true.
Men meet and marry single women with kids all the time. It’s more about finding a fit for a life partner who wants a family life as well. Many men feel they may be too old to manage with a new baby in their 50s and prefer to be in the step-parent role.
One of my clients, Brett, was in his early 50s and never married. He first focused on his education with a master’s and a law degree, and didn’t focus on having a relationship leading to marriage and a family. Being more shy and introverted, I recommended online dating for him. We worked together on his online profile for a major site, and that is how he met Lynn. Lynn had adopted a girl from South America, who was now about 8 years old. Brett was thrilled to be involved in Lynn’s daughter’s life as well as taken with Lynn herself. They did get married and came together as a happily fulfilled family.
If you genuinely feel like being single at 40 is too late to hope for both, which do you decide to pursue: a baby or a partner?
The truth is, it depends on if you are a man or a woman.
Men tend to continue the search for a partner before pursuing fatherhood
On the surface, it seems that they obviously have more flexibility. Not bound by a biological clock themselves, they can look for women who are still within their child-bearing years. However, it seems that many men are also more content being childless than women are. They’d rather have the relational intimacy with a spouse or partner than struggle with being a single parent by choice. If they do decide to pursue becoming a single parent, dating and marriage are still on the table. It’s rarely a turn-off to a single woman to meet a man who is happily raising children.
Yet while there is less stigma for a man to be a single father, it can’t be denied that it is physically more difficult for him to actually have children. Obviously he can’t have a child himself, and adoption agencies still tend to prioritize couples and women over a single male placement. There tends to be a higher scrutiny for men, and they need to be able to prove a stronger home environment and support system to adopt on their own.
On the flip side, more women ages 40+ are choosing single motherhood instead of waiting for a partner.
For many, the desire to have a child biologically means they can’t wait any longer. And with advancements in assisted reproductive technologies, there are more options for women than ever before. Additionally, women overall are more likely to consider foster/adoption options, and single women are more easily accepted by agencies than single men.
All this makes single motherhood by choice a much more accessible option for women, even if single-parenting itself isn’t easy. Especially for women who have been disappointed romantically and have become guarded against their hopes for love. If that’s you, single-motherhood by choice may feel like the obvious next best step, and that’s okay too.
Does the choice to pursue single parenthood affect romance over 40?
It doesn’t have to. Singles over 40 understand that their peers have lived independent lives. Statistically, there will be more single-parents, divorces, widows, etc. within the 40+ dating pool than those in the 20-somethings. And while there are still plenty of never-marrieds, maybe like yourself, this increased variety of dating statuses means more openness than ever before.
Here are some thoughts on what to do if you choose single parenthood while dating:
Be aware that some potential dates may be uncomfortable with the unpredictability of your decision.
For example, if you are currently trying to get pregnant or adopt, and you are actively dating, this may be confusing to your current date. They may see it as you aren’t serious about a relationship, or that you are only looking for a partner in parenting and not romance.Wait to tell a new match about your parenting plans until you see if there is anything real between the two of you.
I’m not saying to keep it a dark secret forever. However, a first date isn’t necessarily the time to say, “Hey, I’m freezing my eggs” or “I’m in the process of adopting”.
If there is a spark, though, and there seems to be mutual interest, then it would be time to share your plans to pursue parenthood. Then, be clear that you aren’t looking for a baby-daddy/momma or trying to pressure him/her. But also that you also don’t want to waste time just dating without a plan, or just settling for someone convenient who also wants kids.Continue to lead with your relationship values and goals.
Make sure that you are still communicating your desire for a serious, committed relationship (if that’s what you want) in your dating profiles or as you meet new people. Just because you are single at 40 and pursuing parenthood doesn’t mean you aren’t as committed to lasting love.Remember that you will still have to carve out time for love, which may mean cutting out other activities.
With all my clients, I consistently remind them of the importance of prioritizing what they want. There is only so much time in the day, so if you still want love, you have to make room for it. Creating a strategic dating plan, even while becoming a single parent by choice, is possible.
You don’t have to give up on love!
I am the perfect example of someone who knew they wanted a family AND a partner, and refused to settle for anything less. When I found myself single at 40, I enlisted the help of a dating coach. I learned to look inward for healing, I became strategic in my dating approach, and readjusted my life to make dating an active priority. In less than 2 years, I finally found lasting love and married my wonderful husband, with whom I eventually had a child.
I get that there are no guarantees and that waiting for love seems impossible. Yet, I am so grateful I didn’t give up.
My story is just one of many who found lasting love and family after 40. I see couples come together all the time, successfully forging the life they’ve always wanted. I’ve had clients meet and marry within 6 months or less. Couples who found that when they got really honest with what they wanted, they found a partner on the same page.
So my last piece of advice is this: take time to envision what you want for your life three years from now. In this ideal space, are you married or are you single? Where and how are you living? And, are there children in this space? If so, how would the other relationships in your life affect your parenting? Once you are clear on what you want, make a plan!
And if a spouse or a partner is in that ideal scenario, I’d love to help you with that plan. Reach out today, and let’s see how we can work together to get you on the right track to finding true love and a family! Go to https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/.