6 Ways to Successfully Navigate Social Anxiety and Dating

When looking for true love, you’re often told to “Get out and meet more people!” It sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? Like it’s the easiest thing in the world. But finding ways to expand your social circle isn’t always the hardest part. Sometimes it’s just showing up!

You may worry about how you’ll introduce yourself, what you’ll say, or whether you’ll fit in. If social anxiety and dating already feel like a difficult combination, meeting new people can seem like a lot to take on.

But it’s not just singles who struggle with anxiety who feel this way. You may be naturally shy, inexperienced, or you just feel awkward when meeting new people. Maybe you’re an introvert and social events take a lot out of you. Or maybe you haven’t dated in years, or just feel uncomfortable when you don’t know anyone.

And if you struggle with limiting beliefs, low self-worth, rejection, or dating and relationship trauma of any kind, it’s so much added weight to an already intimidating prospect. The idea of meeting new people might seem impossible.

So how do you overcome these anxieties and show up authentically and more confidently when meeting new people for dating? 

Regardless of your very valid concerns, it’s amazing what a little preparation, practice, and reframing your perspective can do to help.

However, before moving forward, I want to be clear that while I am a very experienced life, dating, and relationship coach, I am not a therapist.

If you’re struggling with trauma, depression, or any anxiety disorder, I encourage you to look for a licensed counselor or psychotherapist. You deserve to live as emotionally healthy a life as possible, and seeking expert help in these areas is both courageous and wise. 

That being said, the following strategies are not medical advice, but proven, practical tips that have helped many move through social situations with a bit more comfort and confidence.

Six ways to make the most of new social opportunities when connecting or joining in is outside your comfort zone?

1. Know that most people want to see you succeed! 

It’s incredibly important to understand that the people around you aren’t rooting for you to fail.

• Strangers in a room are hoping you’ll be the friendly face they need to feel accepted. 
• Party attendees want your event to be a success because they want to have a good time.
• Organizational leaders want everyone who joins in to be accepted and successful, so the group’s mission is successful. 
• And even every Date you meet for the first time is hoping you’ll be The One. They want to find true love too! 

If you’re navigating social anxiety and dating, it’s easy to focus on whether someone will like you and forget that they’re hoping to be liked, too. So allow this truth to help you reframe how you’re viewing the other people in the room and walk in with the realization that you’re on equal footing with everyone else.  

2. Engage in positive self-talk

There’s a saying that “What you feed, grows”. If you’re routinely speaking encouragement to yourself, your self-confidence will grow, and your general outlook will improve. If you have a constant critical inner monologue, that’s what you’ll believe about yourself. 

So you want to literally hype yourself up, out loud!

Verbally tell yourself that you’re going to have fun, that you’re excited to meet new people, that you’re fun to be around, that you’re interesting. 

Remind yourself of your positive qualities, and even verbally contradict those things you don’t like about yourself: You are beautiful, intelligent, attractive, confident, secure, independent, courageous.  

If social interactions or dating cause anxiety, or bring out your inner critic, start with something you can believe: ‘I don’t have to impress everyone. I can be interested, kind, and willing to say hello.’”

Doing this directly before engaging in an activity that challenges you can help you get through it with confidence. It’s the ultimate “fake it till you make it” hack. 

3. Practice positive and open body language

• Smile! Nothing screams confidence and likability better than a friendly smile. And smiling, even when you aren’t particularly happy, can trick your brain into believing you are. So make a point to practice smiling even when there’s nothing to smile about. 
• Making eye contact communicates attention and interest, so use it when speaking and listening. 
• Keep your body relaxed, facing toward the person you’re interacting with.
• Avoid crossing your arms, hunching, or slouching, all of which can communicate disinterest.
• Keep your phone out of sight. Otherwise, you might be tempted to use it as a shield instead of engaging in conversation. 

And speaking of practice…

4. Plan and practice conversation starters and follow-up questions.

If you get nervous speaking to people or are worried you won’t know what to say, plan ahead and practice.

• Consider how you’ll introduce yourself to others.
  Something simple when greeting a group, like “Hey everyone, nice to see you. I’m John,” is an easy opening that immediately communicates confidence.

• Practice how you’ll physically interact.
  Will you shake hands, put your hand up in greeting, nod your head? Get comfortable with your choice and be ready to adapt if someone tries to fist bump when you’ve gone in for the shake.

• Consider conversation starters that are flexible for any environment. 
  Rather than “what do you do?” or “where are you from?”, asking how someone got into the activity is a great way to get people to open up about themselves.
  • “How long have you been part of the cycling group?… Really? Wow. So what got you into cycling in the first place?” 
  • “How do you know Sally?” (your mutual friend) “You grew up together! Cool, that’s neat that you’ve stayed friends all this time. What is it, do you think, that’s kept you friends for so long?”
  • “How long have you been volunteering here?”
    Long time: “Wow, I can learn a lot from you. What is the first thing I should know about…?”
    First time: “Hey, me too. I’m excited to get involved. What got you interested in this…?”
    

• Practice Curiosity
  Research seems to show that people who ask more questions, especially relevant follow-up questions (like those above), are better liked by their conversation partners.
  
  The key to practicing curiosity is to spend more time listening than speaking. People unconsciously love to talk about themselves, and the more they share with you, the more they trust and like you.
  
  So, though it feels silly to practice curiosity and conversation starters ahead of time, the more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll become at it.

• Avoid trying to do too much.
  Anxiety in social situations or when dating can make you feel like you need to prepare for every eventuality; don’t give in to this.
  
  You don’t need to know everyone’s story on day one. Set small goals and work your way up. 
  
  Don’t try to script entire conversations. You only need a few opening questions to give you a starting point. From there, listen to what the other person says and let their answers guide your next question.

5. Communicate warmth, kindness, and positivity

When you want to gain new friends, friendliness is a good place to start. 

It’s a well-documented truth that likeable people are well-liked people. In social psychology, this is known as the reciprocity effect: when you are met with friendliness, you respond more friendly. 

So be that for other people. If you want to make more friends, be friendly first, be kind, smile easily, and look for positive ways to connect and encourage. 

While it’s tempting to try to get people to like you with perceived humor, it can quickly backfire. 

Sarcasm, for example, relies heavily on familiarity and shared understanding. Otherwise, it comes off as insulting, hurtful, or overly cynical. So avoid mocking, sarcasm, and complaining when you’re getting to know new people. (If those come naturally to you, you may want to practice being more positive and encouraging) 

Instead, look for points of connection. Offer sincere appreciation or encouragement. Speak respectfully about those who are absent. As the saying goes, treat others the way you want to be treated.

6. Don’t ruminate on your conversations or interactions afterwards. 

There was a study done on the “liking gap”,  which showed that “…following interactions, people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company”. 

If social anxiety and dating have you replaying every conversation, ask yourself: “Did something actually go wrong, or am I assuming I know what the other person thought?”

As it turns out, most people worry about their own interactions more than consider another’s. Which means, in most of those conversations where you left asking, “Why did I even say that?”, your conversation partner was asking themselves the same question about whatever they said. 

Anxiety doesn’t have to stop you from enjoying social events or dating!

Or it could help you build new, meaningful activities and create new friendships. Either way, it’s a win! 

One final word of caution- the goal is to expand your social network, not to treat every new introduction as a possible love interest. Get to know people for who they are first.  If something else develops later, you might find your newest best friend becomes the love of your life. 

Whether you’re navigating social anxiety and dating, returning to dating after years away, or simply getting comfortable with new people, choose one of these tips to practice at your next gathering. You don’t have to work on everything at once! 

Which one will you pick to get started? 

And if you’re still having trouble answering that question, let’s talk. I’d love to help you meet someone in real life and find true and lasting love.

Schedule a complimentary Discovery Session with me, and let’s get you on the path to finding your true and lasting love partner! 

About the Author