Finding the right match in the dating world can be a challenging journey filled with highs and lows. As a coach dedicated to guiding my clients through this intricate process, I’ve witnessed firsthand the myriad of experiences that come with seeking a life partner.
Dating is a journey of spending time with someone and getting to know them, and it’s not always smooth sailing. Sometimes, it takes several dates, or even months, to realize whether or not someone is the right fit.
I was coaching Rachael, a 37-year-old client who desired to get married and have kids. She invested in a matchmaker first and also signed up for one of my Motivated to Marry coaching packages. The matchmaker had recently presented her with a match, and their good rapport made her hopeful. Though usually slow to share, Rachael was starting to allow herself to open up to him, even while she was in DC and he was in Germany. Everything looked positive- he even talked about coming to DC to meet her. However, after she shared some fun photos of herself, he told his matchmaker she was not a good match for him and he no longer wanted to communicate with her. He didn’t even have the guts to talk to her directly about his reasons for his turnaround. Rachael was devastated and completely blindsided.
So what happened here? Why did things go so horribly wrong even though the matchmaker thought it was such a great match? While the matchmaker was focused on matching personalities, she missed some significant aspects of finding the right match.
Here are some crucial dos and don’ts to consider when embarking on the quest of finding the right match.
Do: Know What YOU Want
Before you dive into dating, it’s essential to understand what you truly want in a partner. Reflect on your life goals, values, and the qualities you desire in a significant other. This introspection is the cornerstone of finding the right match. Understanding yourself and your needs will help you identify compatible partners and avoid wasting time on those who are not aligned with your goals.
Through our coaching, Rachael realized she had compromised some of her values and set aside some of her must-haves because she wanted this match to work out. Even if the relationship had progressed, by not being clear about her values and goals, eventually the relationship would have faltered.
Don’t: Ignore Red Flags
It’s easy to overlook red flags when you’re eager for a relationship to work. However, ignoring these signs can lead to heartache down the road. Rachael’s experience is a prime example. She ignored several red flags because she wanted her match to work out, but ultimately, the relationship fell apart when her match abruptly ended communication after initially showing promise.
Red flags are there for a reason. They signal potential issues that could become major problems later on. Pay attention to these signs and trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is.
Through coaching, I helped Rachael see that she deserves a man who’s crazy about her: who accepts her for who she is, someone who doesn’t expect her to conform to his ideals. By the end of our coaching session, Rachael could see that this man wasn’t the right match for her and she felt much better about herself. She told me that she probably “dodged a bullet”.
Do: Be Open to Different Avenues
While traditional dating methods work for some, others might find success through matchmaking services or online dating platforms. It’s important to remain open to various ways of meeting potential partners. In Relationship Coaching, I encourage my clients to explore many different ways to meet potential love interests, including online dating, getting involved in community programs, enlisting family and friends for introductions, engaging in social activities, or even speed dating!
However, no matter how you choose to search for the right match, the key is to push yourself past your comfort zone and try new things!
Don’t: Let Others Define Your Relationship
It’s easy to be swayed by friends, family, or even matchmakers who have their own ideas of what’s best for you. However, you are the one who will live with the consequences of your choices. Ensure that your decisions are based on your own desires and values, not on external pressures.
In my 20 years of coaching, only two of my clients found their matches through a matchmaking service.
I believe this is because their main goal is to get you “matched”. They look at your age, your education, your profession, and perhaps your life goals all to try to find the right people. They rarely spend the time to know someone on a deeper level. Therefore, it’s crucial to combine matchmaking or online dating with personal reflection and self-awareness.
Rachael’s matchmaker didn’t see the deeper incompatibilities between her and her match. It’s important to remember that matchmakers and dating services are limited by their networks and the information they have. They can’t always see the emotional and psychological aspects of compatibility that you can identify through personal interaction. Often they find their matches through third-party sources and they are not well vetted!
Do: Communicate Clearly
Effective communication is vital in any relationship. Be open and honest about your intentions, feelings, and boundaries from the beginning. This transparency helps build trust and ensures that both parties are on the same page.
In Rachael’s case, the lack of direct communication from her match led to unnecessary heartache. If he had been more forthright about his feelings and the kind of woman he was seeking, they could have moved on sooner and spared each other the uncomfortable situation.
Don’t: Rush the Process
Finding the right match takes time. It’s important to be patient and not rush into a relationship out of loneliness or societal pressure. Quality connections develop over time and require a solid foundation built on mutual respect and understanding.
Rachael was patient and took the time to get to know her match, even though it didn’t work out in the end. This patience is key to eventually finding someone who truly aligns with your values and life goals. If nothing else, she learned a valuable lesson about how to better vet future matches and what kind of person and behaviors she won’t settle for.
Do: Embrace Resilience
Dating can be tough, and breakups are often part of the journey. It’s crucial to be resilient and learn from each experience. Every relationship teaches us something valuable about ourselves and what we truly need in a partner.
Rachael was able to see her breakup as a learning experience rather than a failure. She realized she deserved someone who was crazy about her and willing to accept her for who she is. This mindset helped her bounce back and continue her search with renewed clarity and confidence.
Don’t: Settle for Less
Never settle for a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you. You don’t want to regret choosing the wrong relationship, one that doesn’t meet your needs. Your happiness and well-being should always come first.
Rachael’s willingness to move on and grow from this break-up, despite her initial hopes, was a testament to her commitment to finding a fulfilling relationship. Settling for less would have led to long-term dissatisfaction and regret.
Do: Seek Professional Guidance
If you find the dating process overwhelming or confusing, consider seeking professional guidance. A dating/relationship coach can provide valuable insights, support, and strategies tailored to your unique situation.
Rachael benefited greatly from her Motivated to Marry coaching package. Together, we worked on doing the inner work, identifying her key relationship values, understanding her needs, and creating a strategic dating plan. This professional support was instrumental in helping her navigate the dating world effectively.
Don’t: Lose Sight of Yourself
In the quest to find the right match, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and desires. Always stay true to yourself and ensure that your relationship allows you to grow and thrive as an individual.
Rachael remained true to herself throughout her journey. She knew what she wanted and didn’t compromise on her core values, which ultimately helped her maintain her self-respect and well-being.
Finding the right match requires a balance of self-awareness, patience, resilience, and effective communication.
By knowing what you want, paying attention to red flags, being open to different avenues, and staying true to yourself, you can navigate the dating world with confidence and purpose. Remember, the journey to finding the right match is just as important as the destination. Each step teaches you more about yourself and brings you closer to the fulfilling relationship you deserve.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your journey, consider seeking professional dating and relationship coaching to support your relationship goals. I’d love to help you find the right match!