Even the best dating advice in the world can’t save you from the bad behavior that will occasionally show up as your date. What looks and sounds like a dream on screen can turn out to be something quite different when it’s time to connect in real life.
Just because you are among the marriage-minded people looking for authenticity in a relationship doesn’t mean the person in your favorite profile is. And just because you are doing a lot of work on yourself doesn’t mean your swipe-right is doing the same.
It is, unfortunately, one of the built-in risks of any dating — and especially online dating — that some people end up being…well…jerks. They don’t work on their relationship skills, and they don’t think about their personal responsibility in communication or they may just lack the skills and abilities.
So what’s the best dating advice for dealing with people like this, especially when finding true love is your goal?
I know it can be tough to hear, especially if you’re someone who trusts easily and gives people the benefit of the doubt. You want to believe that your conversations are leading to something special. And you want to believe that this person you are opening up to and anticipating meeting has a genuine interest in knowing you.
But the truth is that not everyone is as genuine as you. Not everyone is as prepared for a meaningful, committed relationship as you. And eventually, you’re going to have to develop a thick skin if you’re going to enjoy and succeed in dating.
Consider one of my female clients who recently told me about a man who canceled a date on the grounds of him being sick. Or so that was his excuse.
Interestingly, she had just added some new pictures to her profile. So you can imagine how she put two and two together…and how she felt.
Despite her suspicions that he wasn’t being honest, she acted with integrity and responded in the right way. “I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well. Let me know when a better time would be for us to get together.”
Well, the guy took the easy way out (some would say the cowardly way out). He didn’t write or call her back. And he didn’t come up with a better time to meet.
He did, however, delete her from his profile line-up, signaling in a you-figure-it-out way that he was no longer interested in her.
Yes, that kind of treatment stings. But, by following my best dating advice, she was able to turn the situation around. She handed his behavior back to him (figuratively speaking) and came to understand what it said about him, not her.
What this man was telling my client through his behavior is that he can’t be trusted. He doesn’t keep his commitments — or at least he picks and chooses which ones he keeps. He lacks integrity and the essential quality of honesty, as evidenced by his lying to my client to get out of a date.
He is also superficial and possibly didn’t like her “look.”
“Anyone who responds to you with a lie is not worthy of you,” I said to her. “A man of upstanding value would say he isn’t interested instead of lying.”
I told her that she is very pretty and reminded her that the right man will adore and appreciate her.
The truth is, not everyone is everyone else’s type. Men especially have “a look” they are seeking, and they will often forego knowing a person in order to get it.
That may sound shallow, but it’s a reality in dating. And you can’t take what feels like rejection personally, especially when a person doesn’t even take the time to get to know you.
The rejection isn’t of you. The rejection is of himself. It’s of that part of himself that isn’t yet ready for all that a meaningful relationship requires.
So yes, dating takes a thick skin. It takes incredible self-awareness and self-confidence to be able to say, “Next!” and trust that there will be a “next.”
This is the best dating advice I give all my clients: Don’t take apparent rejection personally. And say, “Next!” when it’s time to move on.
Knowing how long to stay and when to move on is a sign of wisdom. And when you become wise in your dating, you begin attracting equally wise, prepared, worthy candidates.
Remember, the whole purpose of online dating is to get from online to face-to-face dating. So the incessant back-and-forth of texting and occasionally calling without planning an in-person meeting just sets up a holding pattern.
And holding patterns make it easy for someone to get online and swipe left or right without investing time in any one person.
You’re busy. You’re looking for true love. You’re working on yourself and your own life so you can be a great spouse one day. You don’t need another pen pal. You need authenticity, honesty, integrity, and an expression of genuine interest in who you are.
There is a process I teach my clients for feeling safe and in control of their dating experience.
Because of the dating advice offered in my book, my client saved herself from having to suffer through the behavior of another inconsiderate person.
She learned not to take someone else’s bad behavior as a reflection of her. And she learned the art of moving on.
How you approach dating really does matter to your dating success.
Do you need to develop a thicker skin for dating?
Go to TalkWithCoachAmy.com. We will schedule a time to explore how we can work together to help you achieve dating success.
I look forward to hearing from you.
PS: Not sure that you’re ready to meet the one? Take my quiz to find out. Go to www.mtmquiz.com to learn more about your readiness for a serious, committed relationship.