Let me see if you can relate to this. You meet someone you are very attracted to. Maybe you’ve matched online or been introduced in real life. So you try to get their attention. You may even succeed in going out with them, because you were the one who did the asking.

They’re happy to accept your invitation, but they aren’t the one calling, planning, pursuing, or making much effort at all. In fact, you’re not even sure they like you.  Could you be chasing the wrong person?

This is where many singles get stuck. They think that finding love requires them to fight to prove themselves. They confuse attention for attraction and chemistry for compatibility. But if your love interest isn’t putting in equal effort, it isn’t reciprocal. 

Chasing After the Wrong Person Often Feels Like Hope

Trying to meet and date the right people when you’re looking for true love is confusing for many singles. So when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you interested, it can feel like there’s a chance that maybe, finally, you’ve found the one.

That if you do the right thing, behave a certain way, or look just right, you’ll eventually secure their love. But every time you think you are getting closer to clarity or commitment, the goal post moves. 

This is not the same thing as being in a genuine relationship. If you are doing most of the calling, planning, hoping, waiting, while catering to their schedule, wants, and needs, then you’re in an unbalanced “relationship”.  

In a genuine relationship, both people are moving towards one another. If you’re constantly chasing after them, you’re probably chasing the wrong person.

Not everyone you’re attracted to is ready for real love. 

Not every single person, or even every dating single person, is looking for lasting love. 

I recently met a very handsome, polished, professional 43-year-old man who is divorced with a college-aged child out of the home. He looks like a perfect catch? And while he’s fine with having a date to go to things with, finding LOVE is the last thing on his list. 

He’s focused on his career goals and financial stability, not finding another wife. So if you were marriage minded and dating this man, you’d be sorely disappointed.

Is it wrong to be “just dating”? No, definitely not. It’s fine for someone to be dating for fun even if they’re not ready for a committed relationship.

But it IS why, as a single looking for lasting love, you can’t rely on charm, attraction, or chemistry as your baseline for a partner. You have to know whether the candidates you’re choosing from are also prioritizing love. 

Three mindsets that may cause you to chase the wrong person. 

Many wonderful, loving, capable singles end up chasing in relationships, not because they lack wisdom or intention, but because years of trying to find love can cause disappointment and wear down your confidence. 

So you over-compensate by thinking:

1. There’s something wrong with me…

Disappointment can cause us to question ourselves. It’s a natural response, and only a narcissist looks at themselves and sees nothing wrong. But for many singles, repeated disappointment feels like rejection, and that creates an ugly spiral of negative beliefs. 

It’s time to reframe rejection when it comes to dating! When someone doesn’t appreciate you- your personality, your appearance, your status, your interests, your everything- it doesn’t mean that any part of you is bad or unlovable. It only means they’re not for you. 

Learn to see unreciprocated love as a blessing; they’re saving you time and future heartbreak. 

2. This may be my only chance for love… 

The scarcity mindset is a hard one for singles to shake. If you’ve been disappointed in love and you finally have someone who isn’t rejecting you outright, it can feel like you need to hang on to them for dear life. 

But in my 20+ years of being a Dating and Relationship Coach, I can tell you for certain, there really are plenty of fish in the sea. 

The problem is too few singles understand just how to get crystal clear on what they want and need in a relationship and how to present that, and themselves, authentically to attract like-minded dates. 

3. I need more options…

You may feel like you need to downplay who you are or what you want to draw more potential matches. Don’t do it! Less is more when it comes to looking for lasting love! 

You aren’t looking for more matches; you’re looking for the right match. So don’t hide your relationship goals or compromise the values you expect your partner to have. 

Again, chasing after someone who is ultimately wrong for you will only lead to disappointment and wasted time. 

Don’t chase people who don’t like you for who you are!

Love has to be reciprocal

Kathy was a very attractive woman in her late 40s who had never been married. She met this very handsome man with his own business and was divorced with children who lived in a different city.  

When we started coaching, I learned that she was making most of the effort and traveled to him to see him most of the time. This had been going on for over two years!

Through the coaching, she realized that she was not going to get more of his time and commitment. She chose to end the relationship and make herself available again.

Within a couple of months, she met her now-partner online. They were much better aligned, having the same relationship values and goals. He was physically and emotionally available to give her the time and attention a real relationship deserves. 

For a relationship to lead to lasting love, it has to be reciprocal. Otherwise, you’ll be doing all the work, chasing the wrong person, who doesn’t appreciate your efforts, and ending with little to show for it.

You are too valuable to give your heart and time to someone who can’t or won’t chase you back. 

If you’re still on the fence, ask yourself, “Do I really have time to wait for this guy or gal?” 

Maybe you do, but if they don’t reciprocate and it doesn’t lead to lasting love, will you really be okay with that lost time?

If this all sounds too familiar, and you need someone in your corner,  let’s talk. I’ve helped hundreds of singles find true and lasting love with far less effort than chasing the wrong person.

Schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me, and let’s see how Motivated to Marry® coaching can help improve your dating efforts and move you closer to finding lasting love. 

About the Author

Coach Amy

is a certified life coach and dating/relationship expert who has helped hundreds of marriage-minded singles find lasting, committed partnerships since 2005. Through private coaching and group programs, she specializes in helping people date with clarity, confidence, and purpose.