You’re single, but not by choice. You’ve shared that one of your life goals is to be married or in a committed partnership, yet you just haven’t been able to find the One. 

Maybe you thought you found the One, but it ended up she was almost-the-One. 

Maybe, no matter how hard you try, every guy (or gal) you meet turns out to be absolutely-not-the-One.

Where are you going wrong and why hasn’t Love found you yet?

One possible answer is that you’re not clear about your life goals. Specifically, looking for shared life goals when considering potential love interests.

Many singles get so focused on the goal of finding love that they never realize they should be using their life goals to find lasting love. 

One of the foundational principles of my Motivated to Marry® coaching method is clearly communicating your dating intentions: You’re dating to find a life partner, not just to have a good time. 

But equally important is preparing for love by creating a clear set of criteria for evaluating potential matches when they come along. This includes looking for aligned relationship values and shared life goals. 

What are “life goals”?

When discussing the search for lasting love, a “life goal” isn’t just something you want to achieve, like buying a home or getting a PhD. Nor am I referring to those bucket list items like climbing the Seven Summits or running the Boston Marathon.

No, what I mean when I ask “what are your life goals” is this: what are your goals for the kind of life you hope to create, or expect to have?  

This distinction is important if you’re trying to find lasting love because the marriages that stand the test of time are ones where both people want, and work to achieve, the same kind of life. 

Shared life goals keep them moving toward something they find mutually important, instead of pulling away from each other.

What kind of life do you want? 

Ask yourself: When you picture your ideal relationship, beyond the romance, how do you want to move through life together? 

For example: 

• Where will you make your home? Do you have expectations about where or how you’ll live? (In separate homes or together?)
• Do you expect to be a two-income or single-income household? How large a role will your career(s) play in your relationship?  
• What priorities do you have about finances and spending money? How do you expect to divvy up the expenses if you are sharing a home? 
• Do you envision raising children or helping care for family members? What are your expectations of your partner in these roles?  
• How does your faith or belief systems impact how your relationship works? 
• What kind of activities or environments bring you peace, recharge your energy, or make you feel alive? Do you expect to share these with your partner?

These are just a few of the considerations that affect how two people build a life together.

How do shared life goals help you find lasting love?

When you’re clear about the kind of life you want to share with someone, those life goals become benchmarks for measuring if a potential match is a good one. 

• They give you a clearer picture of the partner you need.
• They help you ask more meaningful questions while dating.
• They help you look beyond chemistry and attraction.
• They reveal incompatibilities before you become deeply invested in the relationship.
• They make it easier to recognize a genuinely promising match.
• They keep the urgency to find someone from overshadowing the need to find the right One.

Imagine meeting someone and feeling an instant attraction. The chemistry is so strong that you quickly begin spending all your time together. Perhaps even becoming physically involved with this person. You just can’t get enough of each other. You think, “Surely, this must be the One”.

But once the initial spark settles, your partner’s demanding career takes over. You hardly see each other, so you move in together, hoping it will help. Unfortunately, when they’re home, they’re exhausted and checked out. 

You’re still lonely, just in a different place. The relaxing evenings, romantic weekends, and passionate life you imagined begin to disappear. Then you realize the problem goes much deeper. You have different expectations about money, children, family, faith, roles, and even how your home should be run.

You feel like someone pulled the rug out from under you. As much as you love this person, this isn’t the life you thought you were choosing. How did it go so wrong?

I’ve coached many clients in my career who’ve experienced some version of this scenario. Here’s what I’ve learned: When you prioritize chemistry over compatibility and don’t consider whether your partner’s goals align with your own, it’s usually only a matter of time until you start drifting apart and disappointment sets in.  

Be prepared for your life goals to change or expand.

Change is inevitable. And factors like age, stage of life, and marital experience affect how we envision our coupled life.  

A woman in her 30s may have different priorities and factors to consider than a woman in her 50s. A single father with young children may need something very different from a relationship than a retired grandfather who loves to travel. 

Here are a few examples of life goals you might consider depending on where you are. It’s far from a complete list, though; only you can know what you need from a relationship at this stage of your life.

Examples of Life goals to consider in your 30s–40s

• Whether to have children and when
• Parenting roles and family life
• Career demands and work-life balance
• Establishing financial security
• Where you want to settle down 

Examples of Life goals to consider at 50+

• Retirement timing and expectations
• Continuing to work versus pursuing a more leisurely lifestyle
• How important is travel and adventure (where and when?)
• Involvement with adult children and grandchildren
• Blending established families
• Caregiving responsibilities
• Financial independence and retirement resources
• Relocation or living near family
• Expectations for shared time and personal independence

How do you use your life goals to evaluate a potential match?

First, you need to clarify your OWN life goals. 

Consider that many of your expectations for the kind of life you want to share with someone stem from the examples (both good and bad) that have been modeled for you. 

If you are having trouble, consider some of the examples above, close your eyes, and imagine what that scenario looks like to you. Write down what you’re seeing and take note of how you feel. Once you get started, you’ll find it becomes easier, and your list will become more personalized.

Once you have a good feel for how you imagine your marriage or partnership, review your list and separate the essential goals from the flexible preferences. For the health of the relationship, which ones have to be shared goals?

A good question to ask yourself for each is: If the reality ends up looking different from how I imagine, would I be okay with it, or would my disappointment grow over time? 

Next, use that list to evaluate potential dates, looking to see that you have shared life goals. 

As you look at matches online, or meet people in person, weed out those who obviously don’t live up to your expectations. For example, if you’re 35 and wanting to start a family, don’t even bother corresponding with someone undecided, regardless of the chemistry. 

When someone passes the initial list, ask open-ended questions about their goals in your correspondence or on dates. Try introducing some of your own through stories and anecdotes and see how they respond.

Pay close attention to whether their current choices support what they say. And if your desired future visions don’t fit together, be willing to move on. 

Finding lasting love isn’t simply about finding someone who wants you or who also wants to be married.

A healthy, lasting relationship is built on aligned relationship values and life goals. The more clearly you understand yours, the more efficiently you’ll be able to evaluate potential love interests. 

How about you? Can you succinctly articulate the kind of life you want with Mr/s Right?

If you’re still struggling to identify what you’re looking for, let’s talk. 

Schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me, and let’s discuss your next step toward finding love. My clients tell me, “It was totally worth doing so!”

About the Author

Coach Amy Schoen, MBA, CPCC, PCC

is a certified life coach and dating/relationship expert who has helped hundreds of marriage-minded singles find lasting, committed partnerships since 2005. Through private coaching and group programs, she specializes in helping people date with clarity, confidence, and purpose.