Have you ever just known that a friend’s relationship wasn’t going to work out? 

Without those love goggles on, you might have noticed things that don’t add up, like how their partner treats them, their different life goals or interests, or important red flags that your friend may be overlooking.  

It’s easier to observe these things from outside the relationship. You can see those little or big discrepancies that are so easy to miss when one is caught up in all the romance. 

And one of the biggest culprits for seemingly good relationships ending is a couple not being on the same page about what they want from the relationship. 

Knowing your ‘why’ for dating and, especially, knowing and agreeing with your partner’s ‘why’ sets one of the strongest foundations for a successful relationship.

That was the case for my client Nina. When she came to coaching, she was having a hard time meeting eligible marriage-minded men where she lived and worked. Through coaching, she realized she needed to be online and then quickly fell for a seemingly nice, professional man.

Nina was hopeful that this guy could be “the one,” and being in her early 40s, she didn’t want to waste more time. She was ready to go all in. However, after about 6 months, it became clear that he wasn’t the commitment type, and that the relationship was doomed.

“I thought we were on the same page! What went wrong?”

Assumptions! She was never truly clear with this man about her goal of getting married and starting a family in the near future. And he had no interest in settling down at this point. Their whys for dating were completely different.

Because Nina didn’t let her ‘why’ for dating be clearly known, and because she never really clarified his ‘why’,  she wasted 6 months on a guy who was never going to be right for her. 

What does it mean to “Know Your Why”?

Knowing your ‘why’ is about understanding your motivations, your goals, and even your wins. What are the driving factors behind doing something, and what would success in the endeavor actually look like? 

Ask yourself: “Why am I dating?” and “What is my end goal?”

Is your dream outcome to be married and have a family? Is it to be in a lifelong committed partnership? Is it having a companion you can count on and trust?

If commitment, marriage, or lasting love are important to you, how you date needs to be vastly different than how other people date. 

You need to be dating more intentionally because not all singles are dating for the same reasons. 

• Some singles are dating just to have fun.  
• Others may still be learning what they do and don’t like in a partner.
• Some could be looking for someone to pass the time with or to have as a companion during important events or seasons. 
• Some singles are young and still just learning how to date. 
• And others are just looking for intimacy, with no other goals at all. 

Yet all these people end up in the same online dating pool you may find yourself in! 

I have a handout in my Motivated to Marry Dating Secrets coaching program with 25 distinct reasons why a person is dating. And most likely it’s not for the same reason you are!

If you don’t know your ‘why’ and how to communicate it, how will you ever sift through all this mess?

How does communicating your ‘Why’ make online dating (and even in-person dating) more successful?

1. Knowing your ‘why’ means better matches instantly.  

You are now intentionally looking at singles whose profiles seem to be more likely to match up with yours. Which means no matter how cute or interesting someone is, you should avoid those dates with people who are “just looking to have fun”.  

2. Attracts the Right People More Quickly

Clearly communicating your why in your profile means that singles who are not looking for a commitment will be less likely to match with you. Yes, this means fewer matches. But the goal of intentional dating isn’t more dates, it’s better quality dates!

3. Saves you time and heartbreak

Dating someone with a vastly different ‘why’ is like flying a plane that is low on fuel yet stuck in a holding pattern, circling the airport. You really want to land this one, but you are waiting for the right signals and are praying they come before you run out of gas and crash and burn.

It’s exhausting and emotionally damaging to be constantly hoping the person you are pouring your life into will eventually be ready to commit. 

And if, like Nina, they aren’t the commitment type, how much time did you waste in a relationship that was always going in circles?

Is it really okay to just say what you want?

Yes! 100%! Absolutely! 

I know it goes against the traditional dating rules to just put it out there that you’re searching for a serious relationship or a marriage partner. There are a lot of old objections to clearly communicating what you want from a relationship. I’ve heard them all. And they are all based on misconceptions and half-truths. Here are a few of the more common dating fallacies I hear:

“More people will be interested if I play it cool and seem mysterious, coy, or hard to get.”

This is the Quantity Fallacy! Again, the goal of dating isn’t more matches, it’s BETTER matches. If you don’t want to waste time, you need fewer options. 

“I’ll seem desperate/creepy/needy and scare people off.” 

The Desperation Stinks Fallacy. Understanding what you want and knowing your why for dating isn’t desperate; it’s intentional and empowering. And other singles who are also looking for something serious will appreciate the clarity. Honestly, most singles will appreciate the clarity, because healthy adults don’t want to play games and waste each other’s time.

“I shouldn’t talk about a future until we’re in love.” 

The Love-Conquers-All Fallacy. This one is especially difficult for women who have been trained to quiet their wants and hope their partner will figure it out. And without meaning to, they’re actually manipulating their partners.

Think about this tactic clearly: if you’re dating someone who isn’t on the same page, pretending you’re ok with what they want, in the hopes of making them fall in love with you, so they won’t be able to say no to what you want, even if it’s not the same thing… well, you’re just fooling yourself.

How do you communicate your ‘why’ for dating without sounding heavy-handed?

You’re not a house for sale. You don’t need to walk around with a signboard hanging from your neck or be constantly referencing your desires for a serious relationship. But there are ways to clearly communicate your why, so you don’t end up dating the wrong people. 

In Your Dating Profile-

Right out the gate, your profile should clearly, but kindly, reflect your ‘whys’ for online dating. 

This might look like: “I’m looking for lasting love and a committed partnership with someone who…” or “My relationship goals include marriage and starting a family within the next 2-3 years”.

Just be careful not to come across as too demanding or critical. Avoid phrases like “must-haves” or “deal-breakers are…”. Be tactful and kind. (Yes, you should know your must-haves and deal-breakers for a life partner, but wording it like that in your profile comes off harsh, unlikable, and high maintenance.)

In early correspondence-

There can be a lot of flirting and beating around the bush in the early stages of online dating correspondence. And it’s understandable to try to get a feel for a person’s personality quickly. 

But it’s equally appropriate to ask a new match what they’re hoping to get out of online dating. What are they looking for in a relationship or potential partner? What is their vision of their ideal partner?

Within the first few dates-

It doesn’t have to be a point that you drag out on a first date. First dates are for testing the water, checking for personality, compatibility, and maybe even a little chemistry.  

However, if you know you want to keep seeing this person, your whys should come up within the next few dates. Don’t wait until you are intimately involved with someone to tell them you want to get married, have babies, and think they’re the one! That’s just wild!

Is it possible that your date may decide to end things? 

Yes. But DON’T hear it as rejection!

If they aren’t interested in pursuing a serious, committed relationship at this time, it’s better to let them go because they aren’t your person.

Your person wants what you want. They have a personality you’ll appreciate. They share your relationship values, life goals, and especially, your ‘why’.

Don’t waste time worrying about “what could have been”. He/She isn’t the “one that got away”, you are!

What changes when you stop being vague about what you want?

Everything. When you know your why for online dating, or dating of any kind, you will be more intentional, thoughtful, and strategic with your dating efforts. In turn, you will have better matches, better dates, and be that much closer to achieving your dating goals!

If your search for lasting love hasn’t been easy, don’t give up! There are better ways to date, and I can help you achieve your goals faster and with less heartache!

Schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me, and let’s see your ‘why’ lead you to your forever partner!