“Roster Dating” or having a dating “roster” is the modern phrasing for dating multiple people at once. It comes from the sports term for active team players engaged in a game, or a line-up of players, and much like any game, the goal is to win.  

From the outset, it sounds unethical, like “playing the field” (Why are there so many sports metaphors in dating?). But before you dismiss the idea, it’s worth pointing out that you may have had, or been part of, a dating roster already, without even realizing it, especially if you’ve been dating online.

What is “roster” dating really about? 

In its simplest form, roster dating is dating multiple people at once; however, there is a lot of nuance to it.

I would say there are two main ways I see roster dating play out. Both are strategic, but each has a very different purpose or win condition. 

1. Playing the Field 

This type of dating roster exists simply to have fun while getting all your relational needs met. The people on the roster may or may not know about each other, and each person may serve a different purpose for some period of time.

One person may be the fun one, another might be an intellectual connection, another an emotional, etc. Regardless of how many people are on the roster, and for what purposes, the end goal is the same: to avoid settling down or forming a true emotional attachment to one person, period.

2. Seriously Searching

The person searching for a long-term commitment may be entertaining multiple people at once as well, but only during the early stages, while they’re getting to know new matches or connections. 

The purpose here is to look for “the one” efficiently, while avoiding getting attached too quickly to any one person before knowing the relationship has real long-term potential.

If you’re looking for lasting love, “roster” dating can be a great way to get to know multiple people at once, with no strings attached.

However, it’s also important to be honest with your matches and dates. Making sure they understand that you want to get to know them better before becoming exclusive to one person.  

What are the pros and cons of “dating” multiple people at once?

The Pros: 

• It keeps you from becoming over-invested in someone too quickly. 
• It forces you to stay focused on your shared values, goals, must-haves, and to watch out for deal-breakers as you evaluate multiple people by the same set of standards.
• It gives you time to see how someone behaves in different situations and to focus on compatibility before jumping straight to exclusivity (and intimacy) with someone who might not be ideal.

The Cons: 

• It can be confusing if you’re trying to juggle too many matches or dates at the same time.
• You might be tempted to dehumanize your dates instead of building a genuine connection. Looking only at what they can offer you, or viewing them as game pieces on your dating chessboard.
• You have to be aware if someone is becoming more emotionally attached to you before you’ve had a chance to define your relationship status with them. This requires honest and clear communication, especially if someone on your roster is hoping to be exclusive before you’re ready.
• You may lose a great potential match, because you are not making that person feel “special” and “desired”. 

What does healthy roster dating look like?

It’s easiest to start by looking at online dating. 

Online dating is filled with unknowables. When you first match, you don’t know anything for sure: is the person real or a scammer, is that their actual name, actual picture, actual age? You know nothing about their personality, interests, goals, or values.

So you can’t commit yourself immediately to every match. And it would be silly to take your dating profile offline every time someone reached out and tried to connect. No one does this… or at least they shouldn’t. 

When using dating apps, you never know for sure when you might make a match. For me, it always seemed to be feast or famine. Either I had a lot of guys noticing my profile, or none at all.  

You start messaging back and forth first. After a few conversations, you might feel like you know someone better, but you’re still just learning about them. 

Hopefully, one or more of those conversations will progress to phone calls, allowing you to get a better feel for compatibility before meeting in real life. 

If any of these matches make it to an in-person date, you finally get the chance to discover and determine compatibility, connection, attraction, and future feasibility. 

At no point in this process is it wrong for you to be “talking to”, “dating”, or ‘getting to know” multiple people.  And you may be at different stages with any or all of them. 

But here’s where it changes.

You can usually tell within the first few in-person dates if you can see a future with someone. And it’s at that point, when discussing exclusivity, that it’s time to either drop your roster, or let this one go. 

Don’t continue to engage with someone who doesn’t want the same things. 

In-person dating is only a little different.

Sometimes, first dates don’t always feel as qualified. You generally don’t have the same level of correspondence prior to meeting. Yet, for some reason, going out with multiple people at once, in person, can feel a little like playing the field. This is where you need to be more careful.

The key is communication and distancing. Make sure your dates know that you’re on the market and are not exclusively dating anyone yet. And avoid letting the dates get physical.

Yes, it can seem old-fashioned to take it slow, but intimacy connects like nothing else, especially for women! Don’t start down the physical path until you’re sure you both want the same things and have become exclusive. Otherwise, you’re risking not just your heart, but also your mental and physical health!

When is having multiple people on your dating roster wrong? 

When either you or your date/partner/match believes that the relationship is exclusive, it would be wrong to continue dating other people.

At this point, you need to clarify the relationship status. If they’re still confused or unhappy with the situation, you either commit or let one another go. 

I’d also argue that it is a bad idea to be physically intimate with multiple people at once. Physical intimacy can cloud your judgement, making it difficult to separate feelings from fact.

If the only area that you’re compatible with someone is in the bedroom, it might be fun for a while, but it will most likely NOT lead to lasting love. 

Be careful of a date who tries to push the physical, even though they know you’re not exclusive. They may be trying to manipulate you into a commitment before you’re ready! 

What if I find out if I’m on someone else’s roster? 

Honestly, you should expect to be, especially if you’re online dating. This is why maintaining physical and emotional boundaries is so important in the beginning.  

Don’t let being on someone else’s roster motivate you to overperform or try to compete to “win”. You want to find your Mr./Mrs. Right, not beat someone else out of their Mr./Mrs. Right. 

If you feel like your date is making it a competition, trying to compel you to fight for them, see that as the manipulative red flag that it is. Walk away! 

Instead, interact with this person as you would with anyone else on your own roster. Look for compatibility, attraction, and future feasibility. 

If, however, you’ve been led to believe that you’re in a committed relationship with this person and find out after the fact that they still have a roster… well, that’s lying.

Don’t negotiate, don’t fight for them. Drop them and move on. Don’t waste your precious and limited time with someone like that!

Dating multiple people at once can be a strategic and efficient way to look for your forever love. 

If you’re going to have a roster, be honest, be kind, and remember your win condition: to find lasting love.

Stick to your values, goals, and your vision of your ideal partner so that you can date with purpose.

And if you could use some help navigating this or any part of searching for lasting love, reach out. I’d love to help you reach your relationship goals, with or without a roster! You get to choose what feels right for you. 

Schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me, and let’s create a plan for you to find love THIS YEAR!

About the Author

is a certified life coach and dating/relationship expert who has helped hundreds of marriage-minded singles find lasting, committed partnerships since 2005. Through private coaching and group programs, she specializes in helping people date with clarity, confidence, and purpose.