Couple toasting as they continue to build chemistry in their relationship.

How to Build Chemistry in a Relationship for Lasting Love?

27 April 2023

Clients often ask me about how to build chemistry in a relationship. They’re asking because they want passionate, lasting love. 

Couple toasting as they continue to build chemistry in their relationship.

Unfortunately, the answer isn’t all that simple.

Chemistry is often described as an elusive feeling – something you can’t really put your finger on. It’s that “spark” or “zing” you feel when you meet someone special.

However, these descriptions aren’t very helpful when you’re wondering how to build chemistry in a relationship. So I went looking for a definition on Google and found this:

Chemistry is the emotional connection between two people. This mutual connection can take different forms and may change throughout a relationship, from the first date to the fiftieth anniversary.

and this

The instant attraction and that “spark” you feel with someone is a tell-tale sign of chemistry between you two. If you find yourself making intense eye contact, flirting, and always smiling at someone, you probably have good chemistry with them.

These definitions are good for a chance encounter. But they still don’t answer how to build chemistry in a relationship for lasting love.

So I kept looking and this one seems a bit more defined for lasting love:

Romantic chemistry focuses on characteristics present between two people, including mutual interests, similarity, and intimacy. According to Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., the more present these characteristics are, the more likely two individuals will perceive chemistry between each other.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Chemistry is a strong connection. In my experience as a life, relationship, and dating coach, if you want to build chemistry in a relationship for lasting love you need several factors to be present.

Although a strong physical pull toward someone is definitely one facet of chemistry, it’s not always a good thing for the long haul.

For example, I’ve had chemistry with men who weren’t on the same page in terms of my goals nor were they good partners for me. So there has to be something else to go with the physical draw towards someone romantically. 

As you think about how to build chemistry in a relationship, you want to look for similar values and goals. When we want the same things as someone else or look at the world the same way, we’re attracted to them. What’s important to you is also important to your date. It’s like, “You believe in world peace? Well, so do I!” 

Building chemistry also requires that you don’t see anything in your partner that would be a turn-off. If there were, then that could suddenly douse the flame of chemistry. 

Alex Scot says, “Chemistry is what we look for initially; it’s surface-level—an instinctual desire that sparks relationships to begin. Compatibility, on the other hand, is the vehicle that carries the relationship through life’s curveballs and increases the romantic love or bond we feel for our partners.”

That kind of makes sense.

Chemistry strikes the match and initiates the flame.  Compatibility keeps the flame going.

If you don’t have enough in common, the desire for the relationship may dwindle and the relationship won’t survive. 

To create a long-lasting love relationship, you both need to have a strong commitment to the relationship.

And that right there is the key to building chemistry in a relationship. Both people have to be “motivated” to sustain it since chemistry alone won’t carry a romantic relationship.  

Here’s something I discovered for myself and have seen with my clients. Chemistry can develop over time – this is especially true for women. As you get to know someone, and they’re the kind of person you’re seeking, then you can “fall” for someone.

This is why I’ll often recommend giving a nice person a chance to grow on you. However, chemistry is still important. If you don’t feel or develop any chemistry with this person, you’ll just become friends. 

I hope I’ve given you some food for thought and insights into how to build chemistry in a relationship for lasting love. My goal for you is to date smarter and recognize the right person when you meet him or her. It would be unfortunate for you to miss that right person because you were expecting fireworks on the first date.

Do you desire to find true love sooner than later? I know your time is precious, and I have the plan to make sure you get love right this time!  Go to to set up a time for us to connect.  You can be having fun with your new love by this summer!