Falling in love can be such a special and euphoric experience that many couples forget to take the time to make sure they’re building a healthy relationship that can stand the test of time. 

This can be true for couples regardless of how long they’ve been looking. Once they’ve found love, they excitedly jump straight into exclusivity, partnership, or marriage, believing that “love will conquer all”. 

And all too often, it’s in skipping this final pivotal step that many relationships eventually fail. 

I see this with clients who have done the dating prep work, followed a dating strategy that works for them, and then, sometimes to their surprise, finally meet the right person. Their joy is contagious. Life feels full. 

And then suddenly, they stop coaching. Why should they keep coaching when they’ve finally found all they’ve been dreaming of? 

Yet this final stage of my Motivated to Marry® Methodology is the most important step of all.

This is where you learn how to discern compatibility, communicate needs, align expectations, move toward exclusivity, and build a relationship that can hold up to life’s challenges.

So once you meet someone promising, once the butterflies lead you to believe they might be “the one”, what do you do next to build a relationship that actually leads to lasting love?

1. Decide If This Person Is Right for Exclusivity

Take a step back from all the feels and look at the relationship with a discerning eye.  

Look for consistency, not just chemistry

Chemistry and romance are fun. But like a good fire, the right relationship needs more than just sparks. Make sure you’re compatible on deeper levels so your relationship doesn’t flame out. 

• Watch for whether your partner’s words and actions line up. Do they follow through on the little things? If not, can you really trust them with your whole world?
• Do they make time for you, your needs, your feelings? Love can’t live in the margins.
• Are they emotionally available? Do they take the time to hear you, and are they equally open about their feelings, opinions, and thoughts on what is important to them? 
• Are they moving towards you in all aspects of their life? If they’re keeping you at a distance in some areas, are they explaining why, and do they have a plan for how/when to bring you in?

In the right relationship, you’ll find that chemistry and consistency go hand-in-hand. 

Pay attention to how they respond to your needs

In a healthy relationship, you should be able to express your needs and ask for what you want. You shouldn’t have to apologize or feel timid about what’s important to you. 

AND your partner should feel the same freedom and comfort from you. 

The right partner may not always know what you need immediately, but they will care enough to listen. They should be curious about finding ways for both of you to feel heard, valued, and cared for.

However, with the wrong person, you may feel like you’re constantly getting mixed signals. They may minimize your needs or dismiss them outright, deflect or ignore your requests, or worse, blame and gaslight you when you express any feelings about a need that isn’t being met. 

This is one of the clearest ways to discern whether you can build a healthy, lasting relationship with this person.

Don’t confuse Mr/s Right with “almost right”.

When you’ve been looking for love, for what seems like forever, it can be easy to accidentally settle for close enough.

Maybe you get along great, and they’re truly a good person. You can see yourself loving them, so you are hesitant to give them up, but for some reason it’s just not sitting right with you.

Or maybe all the boxes are checked, yet they just seem hesitant to fully commit.   

If either of you can’t offer clarity, commitment, or emotional honesty, that’s a cause to pause.

My client Karen had been dating a good man who had been there for her during some difficult times. They loved each other, yet after two years, there was still no willingness on his part to commit to marriage or a family. And she absolutely wanted to be married and raise a family of her own.

She could have settled and enjoyed a nice, companionable, intimate relationship. But she would have never been a mother or wife. She would never have the security of knowing that this man was choosing her through all of life’s ups and downs. 

Marriage-minded dating requires the courage to recognize when a relationship isn’t moving in the right direction. 

When Karen decided to move on and look intentionally for someone who would share her goals and dreams, she finally met Robert. 

Not only were they attracted to each other, but they also shared many of the same values, goals, and life plans. Enough that it didn’t take him two years to realize that Karen was the one!

And to be fair, if her ex had given in and married her, it’s likely he would’ve felt resentful for his needs and desires not being respected. And many of my clients would be fine with this arrangement, but not Karen. She had to honor her life goals and desires. 

A fair and equal partnership is one where both people’s needs are met. 

Yes, there are going to be compromises in a relationship, but the foundation of the relationship shouldn’t be built on only one side getting their needs met. 

2. Build the Relationship in a Healthy Way

Align your expectations before assumptions turn into resentment

The love-conquers-all approach usually fails people because “all” has a lot of details. 

Are you both on the same page, and/or do you have a plan for how to tackle: 

• Relationship values and goals
• Life goals or future plans
• Plans/expectations for having kids
• Finances 
• Faith or worldview
• Location and lifestyle expectations
• Roles and responsibilities
• Social expectations
• Interests and hobbies
• Work or retirement goals
• Caregiving expectations.
• Health and wellness plans

Building a relationship with these things in mind is the bare minimum. Marriage and partnerships have many hurdles, but having a plan for these things will make it easier to handle the unexpected. 

Understand what each person brings to the relationship

Do you know what strengths you bring to the relationship and how they complement your partners?

When I met my husband, it was clear from the beginning that he was far more introverted than I was. So I am the planner for social activities in our relationship. 

Whether it’s social engagements, time with extended family, holidays or religious celebrations, or even just managing the daily family schedule, that’s my lane for sure! 

But if we hadn’t discussed this early on, it could have caused a lot of friction if I expected him to be planning events or he was expecting that we would always be hanging out at home. 

If you want to build a strong relationship, the goal here should be partnership. What you bring to the marriage, or what role you fill, shouldn’t define you, but should complement and balance your partner. 

Learn how your partner desires to feel loved 

Do you know what you need to feel loved and valued? Does your partner? 

In the 1980s, Dr. Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages. After years of counseling couples, Chapman noted that most people communicated love in ways they understood it, rather than how their partner understood it. 

It makes sense: if you feel loved and valued when someone spends time with you, it’s natural for you to communicate love by spending time together. But if your partner feels most loved and appreciated by compliments and verbal acknowledgement, then all the time in the world isn’t enough if you don’t regularly tell them what you love about them. 

Honestly, it doesn’t really matter if you believe that there are five broad categories to communicating love. The true value of this idea is in knowing what your partner needs to feel loved, cherished, respected, and appreciated. 

Because lasting love is built through small repeated choices, a daily commitment to honor your partner in a way they can appreciate it.  

Handle conflict in a way that builds trust

Even the best marriages and life partnerships have conflict. It’s going to happen, and it isn’t necessarily a sign that something is wrong. 

However, how you handle conflict is the key. 

• Are you willing to hear and acknowledge how your partner is feeling without being offended or disrespected? 
• Can you communicate your feelings honestly without becoming cruel or fearing hurting someone’s feelings?
• Do you feel safe bringing up hard things without fear of being punished, dismissed, or blamed?
• Are you able to look for ways to repair from conflict instead of fighting just to win an argument?

Loving each other well when in conflict can actually result in a stronger relationship with deeper trust. 

3. Discern Whether This Relationship Can Move Towards True Commitment

By now, you should have had the tough relationship conversations. 

In building a relationship that lasts, you should know whether your partner is interested in a commitment, shares your values, goals, and interests, and that you’re on the same page for the future. 

If love, trust, and mutual respect thrive, then it’s natural to consider taking it to the next level, whether that’s traditional marriage or a committed partnership. 

However, before you say “I Do” here are some final gut-check questions to consider.

• Are we both clear and in agreement about what we want?
• Do our actions and words line up?
• Can I ask for what I need and feel heard and seen?
• Do we handle conflict with respect and repair?
• Are we integrating our real lives in a healthy way?
• Do we understand what each of us brings to the relationship?
• Are we moving toward the same vision of the future?
• Do I feel more like myself in this relationship, not less?

Build a Relationship That Lasts the Motivated to Marry Way

My proven system for finding lasting love doesn’t stop once you meet someone with potential. Or even when you fall in love. 

I am here to help my clients move through the process of singleness, to dating, to confidently committing to a loving partnership or engagement.

And when my clients continue coaching through this final step, they find they’re more confident in their choice to commit.

Sometimes I even get to coach the couple together during this transition phase, and it is so fun to get to know my client’s partner and see their relationship grow. 

Many of my clients actually start coaching with me while they’re already in a relationship. 

Some just need help understanding where their relationship is falling short so they can do the work to strengthen it and move forward. Others, like Karen, find that they need help seeing the relationship for what it is so they can move on and pursue something new.  

What about you? Are you in the building phase of your relationship and hoping it can go the distance? If so, I’d love to help. Don’t waste months or years hoping your partner is the “one”.

Schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me, and let’s discuss how Motivated to Marry® coaching can help you build a relationship that lasts.

About the Author

is a certified life coach and dating/relationship expert who has helped hundreds of marriage-minded singles find lasting, committed partnerships since 2005. Through private coaching and group programs, she specializes in helping people date with clarity, confidence, and purpose.