It is always disheartening to coach someone who has a hard time believing that they are ever going to meet that right marriage-minded person. In a conversation with a 40-year-old female client, she revealed, “Who would want me? I am opinionated and accomplished- and most men feel threatened by me, not to mention that I am over 40!”
My response is, “I know many accomplished women who speak their minds and they are married – and in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond”. I added, “The right man will appreciate you for all these things and more!”
Our thoughts have energy and these thoughts, in turn, affect our attitudes and beliefs. Our attitudes and beliefs influence our demeanor and actions (or we can become inactive or stuck). What I hear from my clients is, “It’s not going to happen for me, so why bother?” Yes, why bother to try online dating? Why bother to go on Meetups or to other places and events where there are single, eligible marriage marriage-minded people to meet? So you do nothing! How does NOTHING help you achieve your goal of having a loving relationship?
I see that my clients who have succeeded at love don’t give up. They persist and keep on trying. And they eventually do succeed in meeting that marriage-minded person. There is a refinement process where you are taking your negative experiences (and near misses that may not be so negative), and as a feedback loop, you are making better decisions about who you are willing to date, thus increasing your chances to succeed this time around.
I never doubted for a moment that I would get married again. I had faith and foolhardy persistence. I knew that it was just a matter of time. Yes, many men rejected me (ouch- that hurts) and I had to reject some of the men I dated too (Sorry!). However, after refining my approach, I met my husband Alan. It was definitely worth the wait! So there is no way to avoid rejection. You are either saying, “yes” or “no” to someone you are evaluating as a mate. It’s part of the dating process.
How do you plan on staying hopeful in your pursuit to a meet marriage-minded person? What do you need to do to change your belief system to “I will find true love in six months!” If you truly believe it is possible, then you will see possibilities emerge.
However, putting a lot of pressure on yourself and being very tense about meeting The One will backfire on you. Something has to shift where you do believe you are worthy of love and you become more Zen about dating. If you let go of the thought that this may be The One and just stay open to the fact you are exploring possibilities and getting to know someone to see if they are a good fit, then dating will be more relaxed and fun.
And if you are truly a good fit, then the relationship will move forward at a natural, right pace for your age and stage of life. I have witnessed this time and time again with my clients, my friends and myself.
Dating is a balancing act between having the belief that love is possible and creating your best possible life as a whole person with a good support network of positive and affirming friends and family members. And if you are completely shut off from this possibility of finding love (and you truly want this in your life), then I recommend you seek help from a therapist or counselor who can help you work through the stuff holding you back. And if you find you have too much on your plate at this time to even make time for finding love, then, I recommend you seek the help of a life coach to work on finding the time to have a relationship in your life.
I subscribe to the philosophy that everyone deserves love. Also, I believe love is possible for those who have the courage to do the work necessary to find love, are willing to take a hard look at what is holding them back from doing so, and are ready to take bold steps to get out there to meet all sorts of people, will eventually find true love.