Recently, I gave a book talk (www.GetItRightThisTime.com ) to a group of separated and divorced individuals through a group called New Beginnings. (www.newbeginningsusa.org). I am used to working with people who are single- either never married or divorced. I forgot about what it was like to be dating as a separated person. Many separated people are eager to get out there and date. They want to find companionship. They want to be loved. There is one hitch – they are still tethered to the soon to be (or not so soon to be) ex. So there is a risk to dating a separated person.
Sometimes taking a chance works out and other times it backfires. A lot depends on your constitution and how patient you can be. However, if you are truly motivated to find a serious love relationship, my dating advice to you is to date people who are free to be in a serious relationship such as those that are divorced, widowed or have never been married.
One of my clients, Margo (a fort- something year old woman who never had married), was dating a separated man with children. There was a big family event coming up and Margo was not included because it would upset the soon to be ex-wife and they were still negotiating parts of the divorce agreement. Margo had a hard time with the concept of the kids coming first and all the drama around the ex wife and the kids. Needless to say, this relationship didn’t last. All this may have died down shortly after, but Margo didn’t want to take the risk.
I myself dated a man who was separated with an 8 year old boy (he told me his divorce was imminent). He was attentive and almost the ideal boyfriend. I was 40 years old and wanting to find a marriage partner with the hopes to have my own child. When his divorce did come through, he turned around and said, “I’m not looking to get married again for a while, I just got divorced!” So you see, timing is everything. After that experience, I would only date a divorced man who was divorced for at least a year!
I did know a man who was separated with a child. He had been mentally out of his marriage for a long time. He met his second wife and got married right after his divorce was finalized. He was one of those guys who did not like being on his own.
So if you are looking for a serious relationship with an eye towards marriage, my dating advice is that it is important to ascertain where your date is on the readiness scale to also find a long term love relationship or marriage. If there are children in the picture, many times the kids’ comfort level is taken into account above the new partner’s needs. Dating in your thirties, forties or fifties is not like when you dating in your twenties when you didn’t have any of these complications!
How has marital status (yours or theirs) affected your dating? What have your experiences been like with dating with children in the picture (yours or your dates)?
This inquiring relationship coach wants to know your answers to these questions and any comments you may have on this subject. (Click comment link at the end of this blog post)
Your relationship coach,
You can join my free tele-class on Monday 4/20 at 9 EST pm on “Dating as a single Parent”. Sign up at www.heartmindconnection.com/telegatherings.html .
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