If your love life had a crystal ball, what would it reveal about your future? Do you see your personal ambitions in the clear foreground, with dating dappled in and marriage in the background? Or do you have a clear couple vision that is shaping all of your ambitions and how you pursue them?
It’s a loaded question, really.
In a recent session with one of my female boomer clients, we touched on a big topic: becoming a couple and what that means for newly exclusive relationships.
It’s a topic I discuss with all my clients at some point.
Because it’s ultimately their vision — and specifically their couple vision — that guides their journey toward finding true love.
I asked her, “What’s your vision of being a couple?”
She had to think hard to answer.
She had been dating a man for 6 weeks, and she felt it was too soon to think of them as a “we.”
She mentioned that she wasn’t yet planning her life around this man, though he seemed quick to plan his life around her.
It’s not uncommon for couples to have different pacing when it comes to exclusivity.
On the other hand, some couples meet and, voilà, that’s it! They’re both smitten.
Both are marriage-minded people looking for a committed relationship. And each recognizes in the other many of the things s/he is looking for.
Ultimately, they’re all in.
That’s what happened to Mitch.
He met a woman online and seemed to have many things in common with her. They were both in their 50s, divorced, in the IT field, and looking for a committed relationship.
Within the span of several dates, they agreed they were a couple and started planning their lives together.
Other couples, however, take more time.
It’s more typical for one person to see the green light while the other is still sitting on yellow.
“Readiness” and “pacing” can differ within a couple, even if their couple vision is in sync.
Kate, a divorcée in her mid-60s, met Brad, a widower, at a social group we discovered during our coaching.
Kate was more sure about Brad than Brad was about her. He wasn’t so ready to give up his independent life, his female friends, and his social activities.
It took them a while to mesh their lives together and for him to admit to his friends that they were an exclusive couple.
Kate had a vision that they would spend every weekend together and see each other a couple of times during the week.
Her real wish? That they would live together.
Brad, however, valued his independence and wanted to keep separate homes.
Their visions of being a couple were somewhat different.
In the end, Kate accommodated Brad’s needs and they found a way to compromise so both had their needs met.
Fortunately, they are a couple in most ways and their relationship has flourished.
Sometimes there simply isn’t one cohesive couple vision between two people. And, no matter how hard the partners try to make the relationship work, they simply can’t.
My 40-something, never-married client, Henry, envisioned having a traditional coupled life with marriage, a home together, and kids.
His girlfriend, who lived in a different city, didn’t have the same vision.
After 5 months, he found out that she actually liked the long-distance relationship.
However, even though there was attraction and both were seeking a relationship, their visions were so divergent that the relationship eventually ended.
One of the most important, revealing practices I do with my clients is a “Couple Vision” exercise.
I ask them to visualize what life would be like as a couple.
How do you spend your time? Where do you live? How do you share parenting responsibilities? How do you resolve conflict? How much do you both work?
I ask them many different questions to make sure their vision goes into great detail.
Not only does this help my clients see that a wonderful relationship is possible, but it also gives them a way to communicate their needs to a potential partner.
In this way, I help them make sure they don’t waste their time with someone who isn’t a good fit overall.
As you can see, having a vision of yourself as part of a couple is very critical to helping you attract the right partner.
Many of my clients develop full lives with friends, family, and activities. You probably have a very full life, too.
So I suggest you ask yourself questions like the following to begin creating your couple’s vision:
- How would a significant other fit into your life?
- Do you have time and space for another person?
- What might you have to give up, without resentment, to have this person in your life?
The balance between time for self and time for a partner is one many of my clients wrestle with.
All relationships take time and attention. And usually my clients have other valued relationships they are already used to focusing on — children, parents, close friends, and social groups.
So how does a life partner fit into your life’s couple vision?
What is your ideal couple vision?
If you need help solidifying your vision and recognizing the right kind of partner for you when you meet him/her, then schedule a Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me. I’ll share my proven process to gain clarity, so you’ll connect with the right person and have the confidence to do so!
Visit https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/ to grab your spot for this self-evaluative, eye-opening session.