Online dating topics often come up in my bi-monthly Motivated to Marry Coaching club calls. And one of the top questions about online dating is “When to ask for a date?”
Before answering this question, you need to appreciate that there’s a cadence to online dating.
First, there’s the initial message. When you’re online dating, you have to get the attention of the person you’re interested in before even considering when to ask for a date.
For the initial message, I recommend you send a short message that shows you have read their profile and that you have something in common with them.
You’ll want to message back and forth with them to get a consistent flow of conversation and to qualify the person you’ve connected with online before asking for a date.
Are you wondering if asking to speak on the phone or have a video chat is considered asking for a date when you’re online dating? Does either of these types of conversations qualify as a date? In some circles they do and in others, they don’t.
For most, “a date” is when you meet someone in real life. However, I’ve had some clients develop loving long-distance relationships via Zoom and FaceTime.
When it comes to online dating, sometimes it makes sense to ask for a first date on Zoom.
Remember the pre-vaccine pandemic? That’s how most couples got to know one another. You can have a date on Zoom if you just can’t make it work out to meet in person. At least you get to see them, hear their voice, and get a sense of who they are.
The important thing is to spend time with one another and get to know each other. And the benefit is the physical can’t come into play here.
You’ll see someone’s real intention and have the chance to deepen your emotional and intellectual connections. And even spiritual connection if you value this.
However, if you think meeting on Zoom isn’t a real date, then you need to know the messaging during online dating could go on for weeks or even months if you allow it. I coach my clients to limit the timeframe of messaging back and forth with someone so they don’t become this person’s pen pal.
For most, the goal of online dating is ultimately to ask for a face-to-face in-person date!
And if the person you’re interested in continues to put off getting together for a date, then that’s a sign of something else going on. They may already have a relationship or even be married. They may be trying to scam you. Or they may have a legitimate reason for prolonging online dating and pushing out the timeline for when to ask for an in-person date.
Some examples of legitimate reasons to push out having an in-person date include:
- a busy job schedule including travel
- childcare issues
- a previously scheduled trip
- a medical procedure like a hip replacement
- family obligations
- a death in the family
- moving to a new home
However, after a phone call or two, if you live in the same city or area, then most seriously searching people want to meet in person.
I’ve had clients who had their first date with someone they met online and that was all it took for them to be in a committed relationship!
Of course, people typically need to spend time with someone for a month or more before they feel comfortable committing to be in an exclusive relationship.
Ultimately, a person has to be ready for someone new to come into their life. You do want someone who will make themselves available for doing so. And not everyone online is ready (or looking) for a real, committed relationship.
So I hope I answered your question about online dating, “When to ask for a date?” You get to decide what’s right for you and how you want to be treated by a potential partner. Be aware of your assumptions and communicate your expectations upfront. Just know that the right person will honor your wishes.