When you consider romance and trying to be more romantic, what crosses your mind?
When most people think of romance, they are usually thinking of grand gestures or elaborate dates. They might be expecting expensive gifts, candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, or being whisked away on a romantic trip.
This kind of romance is beautiful and especially fun at the beginning of a relationship when everything is shiny and new, full of promise and future. As a matter of fact, you should expect plenty of romance in the beginning, once you’ve gotten to know this person and are laying the foundation of your relationship.
The problem, however, comes as the relationship ages and the novelty wears off. If you are in a relationship with someone you love and that you hope to spend forever with, you can hardly expect candlelit dinners and exotic trips all the time. The day-to-day gets in the way of all that.
So how do you maintain a loving, lasting relationship, and still keep the spark alive? How do you inject more romance into the relationship so it doesn’t become stale?
It starts with understanding your goals. Ask yourself, “What am I hoping to accomplish by being more romantic in my relationship”?
Are you looking for a deeper connection with your partner? Do you feel like the relationship is falling flat and want to feel the love again? Do you miss the fun and excitement of the honeymoon phase? Maybe you’re hoping to increase emotional and physical intimacy?
Whatever the reason, more romance in your relationship, demonstrated in the right way, can accomplish many things.
I once read that “romance is the water that nourishes a relationship”.
Sure, a relationship can survive without romance; however, if romance is consistently pursued by both partners, the relationship will be healthier, more vibrant, and sturdy enough to survive when hard times come.
Bottom line, romance is the act of making someone feel special and cared for, loved and adored. It’s intentional care, affection, and pursuit. It’s about truly seeing your partner and wanting them to feel special and cherished.
From time to time, being romantic may look like big gifts and fancy dinners, especially to celebrate special events or holidays. But if you want more depth and intimacy in your relationship every day, romance has to become more intentional, putting your partner first, and coming from a sincere desire for your partner to know they are loved, valued, and that they matter to you.
Why is it important to be more romantic consistently, instead of creating big events or random surprises?
If your partner feels overlooked, taken for granted, overwhelmed, or unsupported, those big gestures won’t feel like acts of love. Instead, your attempts at romance might be seen as obligatory events that mark the passing of time, expected and trite. Or worse, they may be interpreted as selfish attempts at physical intimacy.
For a relationship to survive the long haul, you must take time to cherish your partner regularly.
How do I get started if I want to be more romantic in my relationship?
First, you have to know your partner and understand what they do and do not appreciate. What makes them feel loved and seen?
If you’re unsure, ask! Take time to sit down and have deeper relationship-building conversations that allow you to learn more about each other’s needs, preferences, or love languages. The last thing you want to do is go out of your way to be romantic only to find your partner cringes at the choices you’ve made.
I once had a client who planned an elaborate date night for his new girlfriend. He wanted to get all dressed up, take her to a fancy dinner, and show her off. While it sounds romantic, it unfortunately just stressed her out.
She was worried about fitting into the right outfit, trying to do her hair and make-up, and walking in heels. Fancy wasn’t her thing, and she didn’t enjoy being on display. So his attempt to be romantic actually left her feeling unheard and insecure.
Timing is a critical component to being successful at romance.
Being more romantic in your relationship has to come at a time when both people can be open and present to the experience.
Imagine your partner has been out working in the yard all morning. They come in hot, dirty, and tired. But you’re so appreciative of what they’ve done that you feel moved to sit and take time to talk about your feelings, what you love about them, what you want for your future with them.
Talking, however, is probably the last thing your partner wants to do. They just want to cool off, rest, and not think for a while. Do you push forward, forcing the conversation and risk feeling rejected when they don’t have the bandwidth to reciprocate?
Trust and Communication
When trust is established and maintained, it is much easier to offer romance as well as to receive romantic advances. But if trust is broken, it can take time, patience, and even some work to repair the damage. It is unlikely your partner will be very receptive to romantic gestures, especially if they see them as a means of an “in the doghouse” apology instead of genuine affection.
Unfortunately, there are many ways to break trust with a loved one. The most obvious is cheating, and often, there is no coming back from that. But a bigger problem for many couples is when one or both partners feel they can’t trust the other with their hearts or emotions.
Dismissive comments, hurtful teasing, ignoring communicated needs… these are just a few things that may break trust. Most of the time, these things don’t end a relationship, but they do make it hard to trust one another, and if not addressed, they’ll cause division in the future. Without trust, there is no true romance or intimacy.
If it looks like trust is a problem in your relationship, it’s time to talk about it. Ask each other how you have felt hurt, and don’t try to defend yourselves. Hear each other, apologize, and strive to repair the hurt with intentional romantic acts of love.
So what does being more romantic daily actually look like?
Romance is a way of being. It’s giving your partner your full attention; it’s about the little things. It’s not taking your partner and their presence for granted.
And it doesn’t have to be expensive or even time-consuming. Offering small, thoughtful bids that engage your partner and leave them feeling loved and seen is enough to inject your relationship with more romance and intimacy than you’ve ever experienced.
Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Notice something attractive about your partner and say it out loud, with no agenda attached.
- Give a real 20-second hug before leaving or when reconnecting at the end of the day.
- Share a 6-second kiss instead of a rushed peck.
- Reach for their hand when you are walking together.
- Dance with them in the kitchen, hallway, or living room for no reason at all.
- Make their coffee the way they like it.
- Bring home their favorite snack, drink, or little treat.
- Remember something they mentioned and follow up on it later.
- Recreate a small moment from earlier in your relationship.
- Kiss the top of their head or forehead while they are working, reading, or cooking.
- Make eye contact when they are speaking instead of multitasking.
- Compliment something deeper than appearance, like their strength, kindness, wisdom, or patience.
- Refill their water, tea, or coffee without making a big deal of it.
- Say “I love you” at the end of every phone call, and mean it.
- Share a favorite memory and tell them why it still matters to you.
- Ask, “What would make today feel easier for you?”
- Make the bed, clean up, or handle a chore as an act of care, not scorekeeping.
- Put your phone down when they are talking and give them your full attention.
- Sit close to them on the couch instead of across the room.
- Handwrite a love letter or a card expressing what you love and appreciate about them.
- Be affectionate. Snuggle on the couch when watching TV, hold hands, sit side-by-side in the restaurant, put your arm around her, even in public. Small moments of affection often lead to larger ones.
If you want to know how to be more romantic, focus less on the big romantic gestures and start with the everyday practice of thoughtful love.
If you are still struggling to connect with your perfect person, or are unsure how to navigate a new relationship, let’s talk. I’d love to help you find and keep the love you’ve been searching for.