You know what they say about making assumptions? It’s not pretty.  But it’s true.

As a dating coach, however, I often see singles jump to conclusions and ruin a potential match too quickly. 

Sometimes, it’s because they walk away too fast. Sometimes they fall too fast. Either way, making assumptions usually has consequences.

Unfortunately, or maybe thankfully, most never get to see what they missed out on.

What are some ways that singles jump to conclusions when dating?

I can sum up the problems with making assumptions into 6 main categories. Take a look and let me know if any of these resonate with you.

1. First Impressions

They say, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression,” and I can’t tell you how much I wish this weren’t true!

Most singles have an idea of the kind of person they want as a partner. Unfortunately, this vision of their ideal partner is usually focused on physical and material traits, with life goals, virtues, and values somewhere near the bottom of their list, if at all. 

So when a potential match doesn’t measure up to what they think they’re looking for, they jump to the conclusion that they could never be attracted to this person. 

Many singles just don’t show up well online, or even in the first few minutes of meeting. This shouldn’t be surprising, considering the anxiety, pressure, and awkwardness of first meetings, coupled with the fact that someone isn’t a dating expert or lacks experience after a divorce or loss of a partner. 

One of my male, 40-something clients was dating online and was matched with a profile of a lovely woman. However, when he looked at her picture, he was unimpressed and almost dismissed her. Thankfully, he asked me what I thought, and I quickly realized that the photo was poorly taken. 

I encouraged him to meet her because I was pretty sure she would look better in person. As it turned out, the picture wasn’t a good one, and when they met, they clicked immediately. Attraction quickly grew, and in no time, they were exclusive and later married!

2. Initial Chemistry

Just like you can jump to the conclusion that someone isn’t for you based on first impressions, another problem area is assuming that a person you have instant chemistry with IS the right one for forever.

“We just clicked”, “We found each other incredibly attractive”, “I felt instant butterflies, so he must be right, right?”

It’s what every single person dreams of being able to say about their person. Unfortunately, early chemistry is like a firework that quickly explodes and then, just as quickly, fizzles out.

Attraction and chemistry rarely tell you anything about who a person actually is. 

A physically beautiful person can make you feel good for a moment, but they can have a ugly soul that drains you in the long run. Likewise, an amazingly charming personality can turn into a terrible life partner.

When dating for lasting love, you can’t let initial chemistry dictate the next steps. I’ve seen many people fall in love too quickly with someone because the spark was so hot, only to end up alone again when it became clear that their partner had none of the same relationship values and life goals, or even a consistent personality that they wanted to spend forever with. 

This rule about instant chemistry can be true in reverse, too. Just like with first impressions, some people take time to warm up. If you find you aren’t initially attracted to a match, but they don’t show any true red flags, and you enjoy their company, it might be worth a few dates to get to know them.

Some of the best fires often require a little kindling.

3. Status & Circumstance

One of my mid-30s female clients met a man whom she found attractive.  In their early conversations, she found he had moved out of his girlfriend’s house a month prior, and was technically “homeless”.

She was disappointed to hear this and almost ditched this budding relationship because of his current homeless status. But something didn’t sit right about this, so I encouraged her to get more information before saying, “bye-bye” to this man.

As it turned out, he was a gainfully employed attorney, and he was staying with his family while he sought out a new living arrangement for himself. And there was good cause for the breakup, which satisfied her reservations about getting involved with someone fresh from a long-term relationship.

I’ve seen others jump to the conclusion that a divorced single comes with too much baggage and would be problematic, yet a widowed single is probably a safe, emotionally healthy choice.

But making this assumption could seriously cost you. It’s just as easy for a terrible person to have a deceased spouse, and for a lovely person to have had a cheating one!  You just never know until you get to know about someone’s true circumstances and desires for their life.

What are some other ways I see people jump to conclusions and discount potential partners based on status and circumstances?

• Single Parents
• Middle-aged but Never Married
• Blue-collar vs White-collar careers
• Different Income Brackets
• Living with Family
• Cultural Differences 

Don’t count someone out just because their current circumstances or life experiences are different from yours. You might find those differences enhance your life in ways you never expected.

4. Social Media Sleuthing

Are you the detective-type? You know, you get matched with someone online, but you’re not content to take your time and get to know them. You need more information now! So you check them out on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn. 

This is a trap! Most people curate their social media to show off the best of themselves. While others still may just throw things up there and never look at them again. For example: 

• Those older pictures of other women on his page don’t make him a player. Maybe he just never bothered deleting pictures from previous relationships.  
• Reels of her perfectly designed apartment and tranquil beach walks don’t mean she is actually serene and has it all together. 
• Just because their follower count is higher than your bank account doesn’t mean they’re actually likable in person. 

You can’t always believe what you see. 

If something you find on your potential match’s social media doesn’t resonate with you, don’t immediately jump to the conclusion that they’re good or bad for you. Unless you come across a truly damning background check, it may still be worth getting curious and asking questions before giving up on them.

5. Are We On The Same Page?

This is a subtle yet important mistake singles make when dating someone new. 

Things seem to be going well, your dates are heating up, the conversation is great, and you jump to the conclusion that you’ve found the one, even though you haven’t actually talked about the future or even exclusivity.

So you release all your other matches, declare yourself “in a relationship”, and shut down your dating profile. Who needs it?  After all, you’ve found Mr./Mrs. Right, right?

But if you’re dating to find lasting love, marriage, or a long-term partnership, you cannot afford to make the assumption that your potential partner is on the same page. These serious dating conversations can be difficult, but they must happen before you get your heart set on someone who may be taking a more casual approach. 

The other problem I see in this area is jumping to the conclusion that a potential partner isn’t as interested in them simply because they have different expectations about communication and attention.

Before you jump to the conclusion that you’re wasting time, stop and have those important dating conversations. Then, if you were right, you will have no regrets about letting this one go.

6. The Story We Tell Ourselves

At the end of the day, most of the jumping to conclusions we do is happening internally. Our experiences color the lens through which we view the world. And this couldn’t be more true than in dating and relationships!

Think about it: 

• If you were neglected and taken for granted in a previous relationship, then if he takes 5 hours to text you back, you assume he’s losing interest or doesn’t value you. 
• If you’ve come from a controlling childhood, then her planning a date or even setting boundaries must mean she’ll be domineering or critical. 
• If you’ve experienced infidelity in your family, then when you hear them speaking to someone of the opposite sex, you jump to the conclusion that you can’t trust them. 

Even my husband assumed that I was too busy for a relationship when we first met. I owned a women’s clothing boutique that I poured most of my time into.  So he never asked me out for a second date, just assuming I was “too busy” for a relationship.  

In reality, I make time for those people who are important to me. Fortunately, we met up again 5 years later! The joke in the family is, “You just need to get on my calendar”! 

When we are confronted with a lack of information, our minds try to fill in the gaps, and the easiest way to do that is based on previous experience. 

But your experience is not hers. Your story is not his story. You have to be willing to ask yourself, “Is this conclusion I’m jumping to based on fact or fiction?” Is it coming from true evidence or from the shadows of your past?

How do you avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions in dating?

First, stop and get curious. 

Don’t let your heart, body, or mind make snap decisions for you about a potential partner. Instead, take a beat and then ask questions. 

You might need to work on how to ask healthy, relationship-building questions, or even the subtlety of deep probing ones. However, being curious and open-minded will allow you to not overlook someone who might be ‘the one’.

Second, learn to be a good communicator. 

Learn how to have those deep or difficult conversations in healthy, affirming ways. And develop the skill of truly listening. Don’t just hear what they’re saying, but also what they’re not saying. Then go a little deeper. 

Don’t be afraid that you’ll scare someone away by communicating feelings, needs, or asking relationship-building questions.  And if by chance you do scare someone off, then that tells you more about them, and the potential problems they might have brought to the relationship, than it says about you. 

If you find you’ve been eliminating matches too quickly or you’ve assumed too much, maybe it’s time to grab an expert opinion. 

I’d love to help you with your dating process and get you on the path to finding lasting love.

Schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me, and let’s move love in your direction today!

Key Takeaways

• Making assumptions can sabotage dating, as singles often jump to conclusions too quickly.
• Key reasons for these assumptions include first impressions, initial chemistry, and status/circumstance.
• Social media sleuthing is misleading, as curated profiles may not represent reality.
• It’s crucial to communicate openly and ensure both partners are on the same page about their intentions.
• To avoid assumptions, stay curious and ask questions instead of making snap decisions.