Let’s face it, online dating can be totally frustrating. You put so much effort into putting up profiles on various sites and despite your best efforts, nothing seems to be going right. It’s easy to get down on yourself when you feel like you’re continually striking out and struggling to find someone to love you. And if you start to feel unlovable, your self-esteem can really take a hit. So, just what are you to do if online dating’s ruining your self-esteem?

This is a question I get from many of my clients. To get to a meaningful answer and plan for moving forward, I work with them to figure out what’s causing their self-esteem to be affected in the first place.

And if this is the question you’re struggling with, you need to figure out what about online dating is impacting your self-esteem.

But before diving into the possible causes, let’s be clear about what online dating is.

Online dating is a tool. You can use it to meet someone who appears to be as seriously searching for a relationship as you are. And you can use it to meet people you’d not normally meet in your everyday life.

Before online dating was a thing, most people met by going to big parties and social events. For those who tended to be shy this was a difficult way to try to meet someone. Even prior to the pandemic, large social events were a great way to meet people. Today, however, fewer people are attending large events and more and more people are using online dating.

So here we are, back to online dating and its impact on how you feel about yourself.

If online dating is ruining your self-esteem, it’s likely that your expectations aren’t being met. So, let’s explore some of the ways your online dating experience is causing such angst.

Perhaps you were expecting it to be easy to find true love online – after all, it is in the movies, or it seems like it was for your friends.

Now consider this. If you’ve ever looked for a job, hired someone, or sold a project, you know that not everyone who “likes you” is the right fit or what you’re looking for.

How does this apply to dating?

Part of dating is learning the skills of qualifying potential candidates as being relationship ready. (This is what I teach in my Motivated to Marry Dating Secrets Coaching Program.)

You also need to know that not everyone is as engaged in the dating process as you may be or dating for the same reason.

So, the first thing I recommend for a client struggling with online dating ruining their self-esteem is getting grounded in what they want in a partner. Chemistry is very important. However, for a relationship to go the distance, you need to find out:

• If your dating goals are in alignment
• Whether you share a similar vision of what the relationship would look like
• If you hold the same relationship values
• Whether this person has other personal qualities and traits you need to be happy in a committed relationship

You also need to pay attention to your mindset. I find that people who struggle with their self-esteem because of online dating fall into one of two camps. Either they focus on all that they’re not or they focus on the behavior of the people they meet.

I recommend you become your own fan to overcome the thoughts of what you’re not. Focus on who you are and what you can offer in a relationship instead of what you’re not. When you pay attention to who you truly are and how lucky someone would be to have a relationship with you, it’s easier to maintain your self-esteem regardless of how many times you strike out with online dating.

If you find yourself focusing on the behavior of others, here are a couple of things to consider.

If you feel hurt because someone doesn’t message you back or follow through, it says a whole lot more about them than about you. It says that they’re insensitive and unkind. A considerate person will let you know that they’ve met someone, freeze their profile, or say “no thank you” in a kind way.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself because no one is responding to your messages or the endless messaging back and forth doesn’t lead to any in-person dates or when you do meet for an actual date, this never leads to subsequent dates, then keep the following in mind:

The dating pool is really big. The right person will appreciate you. And they’ll also spend the time to get to know you.

When your mindset is at the root of why online dating is ruining your self-esteem, the best thing you can do is turn the negative thoughts around.

Instead of getting down on yourself, tell yourself, “This person isn’t a good fit for me,” “This person doesn’t want a real relationship,” or “Next!”

What else about online dating can ruin your self-esteem?

If you’re reaching out to a myriad of people and don’t hear a peep back from anyone, it can be a damper on your self-esteem.

You feel like you’re writing into thin air! What a time waste!

If this is what’s happening to you, let me ask you a very direct question: Are you discerning enough?

If you’re writing to any man (or woman) in your geographic area and age range without regard to their relationship goals or if they want the same things out of life, you’re setting yourself up for poor results. (For example, if you’re a woman who wants to meet a man to marry and have a family with, can you tell that the men you’re reaching out to are also interested in that?)

Another way online dating can ruin your self-esteem is when your date ghosts you. Imagine you actually meet someone, have a nice time with them, and then the individual doesn’t follow up. Now we’re talking about long-standing, traditional dating issues that have nothing to do with how you meet. (This can happen when you first meet someone face-to-face too.)

One of the reasons this can happen when you’re dating online is when your profile pictures don’t look like you. It’s important that the pictures you choose for your profile are current and flattering. After all, I’m sure that you don’t like surprises, so your date doesn’t want any either.

I know online dating can be frustrating. I know it from my personal experience and from the stories my clients tell me about their dating woes.

However, my clients who take an open-minded approach, are up for the adventure of meeting new people, and are willing to be persistent do eventually succeed with online dating. Eighty percent of my successfully coupled clients have met through an online dating site. (I’ve been coaching for over 18 years, so that’s hundreds of people!) Hands down, online dating is the #1 way my clients meet their true love partners.

You can be successful with online dating. You just need to apply some of the principles I coach my clients through. They will significantly improve your chances of attracting the right partner.

If you’re feeling that online dating is ruining your self-esteem, let me help you turn things around. Motivated to Marry coaching (or it can be called Seriously Searching coaching for those of you who don’t have an end goal of marriage) can be just the thing that helps you find your life partner.

I’m here to show you the way and to support you through this process. The first step is to go to www.TalkwithCoachAmy.com.