5 Ways to be a Strategic Dater

01 October 2008

Today’s dating advice for women and men, is designed to help you discover if you are a Strategic Dater. When you go out to singles event, do you:

1) stick with your friends?
2) hang off by yourself and look like you are available?
3) never would be caught at a singles event!

If you answered #2, you are showing yourself to be a Strategic Dater.

Some people are born with the instinct to prepare and plan for opportunity to strike, while others encounter relationship issues and are just clueless about what’s going on around them and wouldn’t recognize an opportunity if it accidentally stepped on their foot! So here are some dating tips for men and women on how to be a Strategic Dater:

1. Be clear about what kind of person you want to meet by asking yourself the following relationship questions:

– What are your values? What is most important to you that you want to share with a Motivated to Marry™ partner? What are your goals in life? Do you date to meet lots of new people, or are you looking for a serious relationship? Are you looking for marriage and a family?

– What interests would you like to share with another person? For instance, one client has a love of nature and would love to have a partner who also shares this interest.

– Once you figure out your values and interests, think about where you would meet people who share these goals and interests.  An example would be of a client who has a love of nature; he could join a hiking club or an outdoors club. If you value giving back to your community, then go to volunteer activities to meet people who share that passion.

2. Put yourself in a place where you would have the best chance of success.

– Pick events that are age appropriate. I have seen 50 year-old guys go to 20-something events and wonder why they are not successful. Most of these women are not interested in someone their father’s age – unless he is a successful, rich celebrity!

– Go to places where your gender is in the minority. If you are a woman, go to sports oriented events. I biked, skied, played tennis, volleyball and softball. I even bowled to meet men! If you are a man, go to an exercise class which is mostly female – even if you look like a spaz, women will give you credit for trying and being willing to make a fool of yourself!

– Go to places where you will see people repeatedly. Don’t go to events and places where you see someone once and most likely never again. You get to know a person better over time. As a relationship coach, I had one client who went to a dinner at a church once and saw a woman he was interested in.  He never got a chance to talk to her the first time. Next month, he went back to the dinner, making sure he sat next to her. The third time, the following month, he got up the nerve to ask her out. Now they are married!

3. Be conscious of your time and use it wisely.

– Don’t date people who don’t share your values and life goals. Also, be careful not to date people you think are good for you but you are really not attracted to. That never works out in the end and essentially causes negative relationship issues. I have a client who is dating someone who he already knows doesn’t share his goal of getting remarried. He enjoys her company and he feels that it is better than being alone. He could be spending his time finding someone who wants the same things in life that he does instead of marking time.

– When searching the online dating websites, only meet people who you have screened for their values and life goals. Make sure you talk on the phone a couple of times before agreeing to meet them. One client was anxious to meet them and “get it over with”. She missed the screening process that the phone affords. So she had several bad dates with guys who couldn’t hold a conversation. Now she has better success with face to face dates since she does her due diligence on the phone.

– When you are meeting someone for the first time and especially from the internet, keep your date to an hour or two maximum. I have seen examples of these first dates going several hours and then, the guy never calls or the gal never responds to a call for another date. Don’t overstay your welcome. Give the person a taste of who you are about but not the whole enchilada!

4. If you want to meet singles, go to singles events and trips.

– Birds of a feather flock together! When people are interested in meeting someone, they venture out to events where there are other singles. I know one attractive lady who sticks around her married friends. She is shy and doesn’t like to be with people she doesn’t know. Unfortunately, she does not meet men to date since she doesn’t make the effort to get out into the singles world.  As a relationship coach, I have observed several people who just went out to a singles event the first time and met their spouses because they pushed themselves to go out and were looking to meet someone!

– There are singles groups for every interest possible! If you play tennis, there’s a tennis singles group in most metropolitan areas. Golf singles, biking singles, single volunteers, single parents and etc. All you have to do is search for singles groups in your area.

– When you think of vacation time, seek a singles group or trip. Again, there are trips to Europe, Asia, and Africa, as well as in the good ol’ USA. You can travel by bus, bike or cruise boat, or you can go to a Caribbean Island to an all inclusive resort that has singles’ weeks. There are single ski trips, biking trips, and tennis camp weeks. Forget traveling with your parents this year even if they offer to pay. Your goal is to meet someone and you can’t do it by hanging out with them! For ideas of where to meet other singles, go to www.heartmindconnection.com/resources.html

5. Be open and ready to meet someone anywhere and anytime.

– You can meet someone on a plane, on a train or the line at the grocery store. A client recently took a trip to Florida. Her seatmate was a very nice, eligible man. They talked all the way down. He asked for her phone number and they are now dating.

– Be dressed and ready to meet someone. When you go out, try and always look your best. I’m not suggesting that you be dressed to kill with professional looking makeup. I was on a singles biking trip when I met my husband. I always strived to look cute and put together – and natural looking. You can look fabulous in a t-shirt and shorts, as well as a tank top and skirt.

– Project an approachable attitude where you appear open and easy to meet. Make sure your body language is open, with a smile on your face and your arms not folded across your chest. Ladies, some dating advice for women is if you are at a singles event, don’t stand with a bunch of other woman. That can be intimidating to men. Either hang out with only one other woman or off by yourself. And, if you are at a dance, stand near the dance floor, and look like you would really like to dance!

Being a Strategic Dater is about knowing what you want, and being intentional about how you go about finding the right romantic relationship for you. You may want to consult a relationship coach if you need some help strategizing. Remember, think before you leap and stay open to the excitement of the opportunities you are creating for yourself. Go and make some plans!