Stephen Covey, author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, introduced the idea that we “judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior”… or often their outcomes. It’s very human nature to judge others by their successes or failures, while often excusing our own.
You intend to find love; you intend to make better choices; you intend to prioritize dating. And yet, your love life still isn’t where you want it. Why?
Because, while it’s easy to see the flaws that keep others from success, sometimes it’s nearly impossible to see our own. I call these dating blind spots, and they will sabotage your love life unless someone points them out to you so you can correct them.
About 10 years ago, I had a smart, beautiful client in her 40s who just couldn’t find what she was looking for in love. I observed a couple of areas of her life that were causing some of her dating issues. Namely, she lived in a remote area with few dating options, and she wasn’t making enough time to date.
Not wanting to let these things slow her down, she ignored my coaching until someone finally rejected her and specifically mentioned these problems. Suddenly, the light came on for her, and she was able to see the blind spots and address them.
Most people have blind spots in their lives in some form or fashion. We all have areas where we need to grow.
In the realm of relationships, there are three main categories of dating blind spots to look out for.
1. Strategic Blind Spots (Your Dating System)
One of the first things I discuss with my clients is their dating plan. I am still surprised by how many people have no system at all for looking for true love, and that is a major blind spot in and of itself.
But more specifically, strategic blind spots can look like not making enough time for dating, not utilizing online dating, not having a method in place to evaluate potential matches, not having a clear vision of your ideal partner, or not getting crystal clear on your core relationship values. Ask yourself this: if someone audited your dating process, what would they find? Would it look intentional and considered? Would it look like finding lasting love was a priority for you, or just something you’re fitting into your already crowded life?
Love and companionship are some of the most important parts of the human experience. They deserve to be carefully considered and given space to thrive.
2. Internal Blind Spots (Your Emotional & Protective Patterns)
If you’ve ever experienced any kind of emotional heartache, it can shape how you approach dating and relationships. Without realizing it, you may have created defense mechanisms to keep yourself safe, which may cause dating blind spots.
Have you ever met someone who seems to consistently choose emotionally unavailable or immature partners? They say they want lasting love, but their fear of vulnerability often causes them to choose safe partners who won’t ask too much of them.
Or what about those who overanalyze every choice when it comes to dating? Or they may overanalyze their dates, throwing out perfectly good people for trivial reasons.
Emotional blind spots like these can completely stall any real progress when dating. However, once you can see the blind spot for what it is, you can begin to date with more confidence.
Examining my clients’ internal roadblocks and seeing them for what they are is a way for coaching to help my clients break through these dating blind spots.
3. Mindset Blind Spots (Your Beliefs About Love)
Perspective is everything, and what you subconsciously believe about dating, relationships, and love can significantly help or hinder you.
And there are so many things that may shape your beliefs and possibly your dating blind spots when it comes to love. Movies and media, cultural background, faith and worldview, societal expectations, and even family experiences can affect your approach to dating.
Some common mindset blind spots in dating sound like:
- “True love just happens.”
- “Chemistry is more important than compatibility.”
- “If he’s interested, he’ll pursue me.”
- “If I say I am looking for something serious, I’ll scare everyone off.”
- “All the good ones are taken.”
- “It was love at first sight for my parents, so I should know it when I see it.”
What about you? Have you allowed an unrealistic expectation, or a false narrative, to dictate how you look at love or potential love interests?
Identifying your dating blind spots is the first step to overcoming them.
Yes, I hear the problem in that sentence.
If they’re “blind” spots, how am I supposed to see and identify them?
First, be willing to get really, really honest with yourself.
Self-awareness can be difficult even for the most committed, so prepare yourself to look deeper and somewhat critically at your approach to these three dating blind spot categories.
Second, ask for honest feedback from people you trust.
And be willing to not be offended by their honesty!
If you’ve been dating for years, or you’re new to dating again, you have a system, even if it’s not intentional. So, someone outside the system, looking in, may be able to shed some light on dating blind spots that you’ve missed.
Third, consider professional help.
Obviously, I believe in the power of coaching. But I don’t think it’s self-serving to encourage you to look into hiring a professional relationship coach or a therapist because I know how successful having a professional on your side can be to help you look beyond your comfort zone.
After my divorce, I sought a therapist, and once I had done some of the inner work, I found a relationship coach who helped me understand both what I was doing right and where I needed to make some changes. He was able to point out some of the limiting beliefs that weren’t serving me.
One of my dating blind spots was that I didn’t think I could clearly say that I was looking for a marriage partner, so I didn’t. Once I saw this and implemented a clear strategy for both articulating and acting upon my goal, things changed quickly! It wasn’t long before I met and fell in love with my now husband! Over 23 years later, he’s still the one!
If you’re still struggling with dating and finding true and lasting love, don’t give up.
It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you. It just means that there are some things you could be doing better, and identifying those dating blind spots is one of them.
If you need help with this process, reach out and let’s talk. You can schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy session with me at www.talkwithcoachamy.com, so we can discuss if coaching is the right next step for you.