When to Have Motivated to Marry Conversations

You meet someone you like on a date.  You start seeing each other fairly regularly such as one evening during the week and on the weekends too.  It’s becoming a serious relationship. When do you have that conversation about intentions?  Once you start establishing a relationship, then you need to discuss your life goals fairly quickly. One of the biggest relationship problems for those who are Motivated to Marry is that you date someone for six months, a year, 3 years only to find that they do not want the same things out of life that you do.  Then where does that leave you?  

I remember dating one guy that I really liked.  3 months into the relationship, I started talking about children.  He said,”You want babies?” I admitted that I did.  He told me he was done having kids (He had two children from his previous marriage).  I had to make a choice here and I chose to leave this relationship in favor of looking for a love relationship that include my goal of having a family.  I wish I had known sooner so I wouldn’t have become so attached to him. 

One of the next guys I was dating seemed also Motivated to Marry.  We talked about wanting to get married and have a family all on our 4th date!  It all seemed very natural for us 40-somethings. As it turned out we had very different ways of practicing our religion where he would expect me to conform to his ways- which was very uncomfortable for me.  So we parted.   

So when I met Alan (my husband) I had the conversation about my goal to meet someone for marriage and a family within our first month of dating.  We had been on a bike ride down the Crescent Trail from Bethesda and having dinner in Georgetown on the waterfront.  It was still summer.   When I brought up the subject he said he was looking for that too!  Since we both were in our 40’s there was an understanding that I would not stay in this love relationship too long (not more than six months).  As it turned out, he proposed by the end of December and we were married the following July.

One of my male clients was 40 years old.  He wanted to get married and have natural children.  He was not interested in adoption.  However, he would be willing to do IVF or go the donor egg route, if need be.  He met his wife online and tried to find out her desires for marriage and a family through her profile and their email exchanges.  He then had the necessary conversation with his now wife (who was 42 years old) a few dates into the relationship.   As it turned out, she was on the same page! 

So my dating advice to you is to not be afraid to bring up the marriage or baby subject.  The right person won’t flinch and will welcome the conversation.  In all relationships it’s about talking about your expectations so you both can find your common ground.  

What has been your experience with talking about marriage and family sooner than later?  What has been the result of not bringing up this conversation with someone you have a love relationship with?  This inquiring relationship coach wants to know!