A few years back I was teaching my “7 Secrets to Getting Love Right” class in Downtown DC. It seemed to be a great group of people. They appeared to be engaged with the subject, and I held their attention. I noticed many smiles, nods, and lots of note-taking!
At the end of the class, I handed out a feedback form to gauge their experience and understand how I could improve the class in the future. I received lots of “Good” and “Excellent” ratings with encouraging comments like “good energy” and “practical, helpful information.” However, one person gave me a “Fair” rating and some constructive criticism, although I didn’t quite understand what they thought was missing. I take all this feedback to heart, so this singular negative feedback really bothered me.
I had many participants who were extremely pleased with the class and expressed interest in continuing the conversation. Yet, I found myself focusing on the person who seemed not to resonate with me (or my material). So, why did I care so much and feel this need to win them over? Why did I want the approval of a person who clearly didn’t want me and what I had to offer? Why did their comment matter to me?
Has this ever happened to you?
You meet someone and share a pleasant conversation. You’re hopeful it might lead somewhere, but then the person doesn’t call. You dwell on it and think to yourself, “What went wrong?” Maybe you even obsess over why this person didn’t like you enough to ask you out for a date. The funny thing is, perhaps you weren’t even that interested in dating them initially. Still, you have the urge (even when you know better) to reach out and ask what didn’t work for them. Perhaps you tell yourself, “They didn’t get to see the real me.”
Believe it or not, this experience isn’t just about dating; it’s actually a psychological loop many of us fall into. The desire to be liked by people who seem indifferent, who don’t want you back, taps into our basic human need for acceptance. Sometimes, the less interested someone seems to be, the more we crave their approval. It’s almost as if winning over someone will somehow validate our self-worth. But is that really where our energy should go?
In my coaching work, I see this pattern often. Singles tell me how they fixate on someone who doesn’t return their feelings, often at the expense of ignoring those who actually want to get to know them. This kind of “pursuit” will only drain your emotional energy and will damage your self-esteem.
Consider shifting your focus to those who show genuine interest in you. Yes, that might seem simple, but still, we tend to overcomplicate things by chasing the elusive or the unattainable. It’s almost as if we’ve been conditioned to believe that what is harder to attain must be more valuable.
So, why do we want people who don’t seem to want us?
One explanation comes from the concept that when attention or affection is given inconsistently, it triggers a heightened desire for it. This can lead to an obsession with a person who occasionally gives signals of interest but remains emotionally unavailable. It’s like trying to hit a moving target—you keep hoping for a moment of connection, even when the odds are against you.
This can also be a way of replaying old relationship patterns. If you grew-up or were accustomed to, seeking approval from someone emotionally distant or hard to please, you might be subconsciously recreating this pattern in your adult relationships. Understanding this is crucial because awareness is the first step in breaking the cycle. Especially when there are those who may try to exploit this behavior.
What is Negging
“Negging” is a form of emotional manipulation where a person will criticize another or give them a back-handed compliment, in order to peak the person’s desire for acceptance. Negging may sound as subtle as “You’re actually more interesting than I’d thought you’d be” or “I don’t usually go for the ________ type, but you might be worth it.” or as insulting as “You might be pretty if you lost some weight”. This tactic, which is taught by toxic dating “coaches”, is effective because it plays on our basic need for acceptance. The Negger positions themselves as above the offended party, who now subconsciously views themselves as “lower”, triggering their desire to prove themselves.
Sometimes the offender is insecure and doesn’t even realize they are doing it. They may have been raised in an emotionally manipulative way themselves. But all too often, it’s intentionally malicious in order to gain power in the potential relationship. Either way, it’s important to remember that negging is always an attempt at emotional manipulation- to keep you wanting people who don’t want you in the same measure. Don’t fall for it!
Focus on Who Values You
I’ve realized that, just like with my class, it’s more productive to focus on those who are thrilled to be in your company. These are the people who matter, the ones who see your value without needing convincing. Dwelling on those who don’t respond positively to you or your efforts can lead to a spiral of self-doubt. You know the saying, “You can’t please all the people all the time”—how true that is!
The way I view my feedback forms now is like a bell curve. On the far left end are those who absolutely loved the class, and on the far right are those who didn’t connect with it. In the middle, there’s a larger group who liked it just fine. The question is, where are you putting your emotional energy? Are you focusing on impressing someone who’s on the far right end of that bell curve, someone who, realistically, may never appreciate what you offer?
In dating, this bell curve applies too. There will be people who are instantly drawn to you, and some who aren’t. And that’s okay. What matters is where you invest your time and energy. Are you pouring it into a person who is lukewarm or unavailable, or are you nurturing connections with those who appreciate and enjoy your company?
Dating can be frustrating, especially if you’re putting yourself out there and not getting the results you desire. But finding someone who values and respects you means focusing on mutual connections and shared values and goals. Not the one-sided chase. Letting go of the need to win over people who don’t want you isn’t giving up; it’s prioritizing what brings you happiness and fulfillment.
Embrace the Positive
My dating advice? Focus on those who bring out the best in you. Forget about those who are lukewarm or haven’t responded. This is especially true with online dating. Pay attention to those who light up when you’re around and make you feel valued. As you focus on being your unique self, and staying true to your values and ideals, you will find that you won’t have to chase the right person.
Think of it this way: In every aspect of life, from professional to personal, focusing on those who see your worth and value your efforts is the key to thriving. You can’t always win over everyone, but you don’t need to. Those who truly matter will see your value without requiring convincing, and those are the relationships worth investing in.
If you keep falling into this cycle of wanting people who don’t want you, let’s talk. You deserve to have love return in full measure! Reach out at https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/.