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<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\nIt\u2019s not unusual for a client to come to me in a quandary. \u201cWe\u2019ve been dating exclusively for over a year, but I\u2019m just not sure if this relationship is \u2018the one.\u2019 What should I do?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n When clients present this dilemma, I can tell something\u2019s nagging at them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s something that makes them think their relationships won\u2019t work for the long run; yet they can\u2019t put their finger on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sound familiar?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Chances are you\u2019ve been there at least once. Most of us have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If it is <\/em>right, should you be swooning and seeing fireworks every time you\u2019re together? Should you be able to say you\u2019ve never had an argument or been angry with one another?<\/p>\n\n\n\n And, if it\u2019s not <\/em>right, should you be able to point to constant fighting or a fading interest in one another?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Again, if only life and love were that simple.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n But we know they\u2019re not. And we know that, just because two people are \u201cnice\u201d and have common interests, they\u2019re not necessarily destined for the altar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As a dating coach, I help clients be their best selves in the dating world. I coach them into a clear vision of themselves and their relationship goals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I also teach them how to recognize the difference between a \u201cdating experience\u201d and \u201cthe right relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n There is a lot to be learned from dating. Finding \u201cthe one\u201d on the first try, after all, is an unrealistic expectation (although it does happen).<\/p>\n\n\n\n But putting your best self forward en route to meeting \u201cthe one\u201d can be a clarifying and refining process. Every date and every relationship reveals more essential details about yourself. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n And that information will be indispensable when you really need to know if you\u2019re in the right relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s how I approach a client who\u2019s afraid of making the wrong decision about a serious relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Does your partner help you feel special, cared for, and adored?<\/p>\n Do you look forward to spending time with this person?<\/p>\n Do you miss him or her when he\/she isn\u2019t around?<\/p>\n Does your conversation flow to the point where you don\u2019t know where the time has gone?<\/p>\n Do you want to share something special with this person when something great happens or when you\u2019re upset?<\/p>\n These questions get to the experience of being in a relationship that has the potential to go the distance.<\/p>\n<\/li> Respect is the glue of any relationship. Think about any couple you know with a \u201cright relationship,\u201d and you will have no trouble recognizing the respect between them.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important that you feel you\u2019re being heard and that your needs are being met. As obvious as that may sound, those fundamental expectations can\u2019t be met without underlying mutual respect.<\/p>\n For example, Susan is a single parent who also has a full-time career. She needs a supportive partner who understands the demands on her time, not a partner who complains about not getting enough time with her.<\/p>\n What would that look like in a relationship with potential to go the distance?<\/p>\n Her partner would find ways to support her. He would be flexible and understanding (even admiring) of her dedication as a parent, maybe even offering to help out when she needs childcare.<\/p>\n<\/li> The mismatching of life goals is far more common in relationships than you might think.<\/p>\n Couples get swept up in physical attraction, common interests, and the enjoyment of doing things together. But, when they stand before \u201cthe big picture,\u201d they don\u2019t see the important things that will sustain them down the road.<\/p>\n Casual dating is one thing. But marriage-minded people<\/a> know they have to check off more boxes than just attraction, personality, and even similar values.<\/p>\n They have to be looking in the same direction. Otherwise they will inevitably go their separate ways.<\/p>\n Debbi was a client who wanted to retire to Florida. Her boyfriend still had kids at home, even though they were in college. He had no intention of moving or retiring any time soon.<\/p>\n To add to their challenges, they lived in different cities!<\/p>\n In the long run, the relationship couldn\u2019t survive, and they broke up.<\/p>\n My client Stanley wanted to get married and have a family. He thought he\u2019d found the perfect woman for him.<\/p>\n However, a month before the wedding, his fiance\u00e9 backed out of moving to New York from Boston. Her family was in Boston, and she didn\u2019t want to leave them. She also preferred starting a business in Boston to starting her life with Stanley in New York.<\/p>\n Ouch.<\/em><\/p>\n Were they in the right relationship for themselves? Probably not. But they didn\u2019t come to that truth until it was almost too late.<\/p>\n Yes, there will be unavoidable heartbreak if the decision is to go. But a \u201cpreventive heartbreak\u201d is so much better than the slow erosion of love between two people who really aren\u2019t meant to be together.<\/p>\n<\/li> Ultimately, all relationships come down to trust. If you can\u2019t trust this person, then what do you really have?<\/p>\n Do you trust this person to follow up on and keep his\/her word?<\/p>\n Can you reach this person in a pinch?<\/p>\n Do you experience \u201cdead zones\u201d in communication \u2013 unanswered texts and phone calls for days at a time?<\/p>\n Can you trust that what you see is what you actually get?<\/p>\n Building trust in a relationship usually happens in the first couple months of dating.<\/p>\n However, \u201ctrue grit\u201d trust is forged (or lost) during times of unexpected, even unprecedented, challenge.<\/p>\n For example, when Alice\u2019s mom ended up in the hospital, Alice needed support. Her partner of 5 months, however, was nowhere to be found.<\/p>\n Turns out he was helping an old girlfriend.<\/p>\n Needless to say, Alice wasted no time breaking up with him.<\/p>\n It may have taken five months of hoping<\/em> she was in the right relationship to discover she actually wasn\u2019t. But thankfully she learned an important lesson and valued her life enough to move on.<\/p>\n<\/li> In the previous example, it\u2019s obvious that Alice couldn\u2019t depend on her partner in times of need.<\/p>\n It also demonstrates that her partner wasn\u2019t truly invested in the relationship.<\/p>\n I feel so fortunate to have a husband that I can depend on in times of sickness or family loss.<\/p>\n In 2015, when I was flat on my back with a herniated disc, my husband was there for me, making sure I got everything I needed. He was my advocate at the hospital and my caring nurse when I returned home.<\/p>\nAre you in the right relationship? And how do you know without making a huge mistake one way or the other?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Asking yourself the same questions can help you figure out your own situation, even if you\u2019re not (yet) wondering if you\u2019re where you truly belong.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
How do you feel when you\u2019re with this person?<\/h3>\n
Do you feel respected and are your needs being honored?<\/h3>\n
Do you share the same goals for life?<\/h3>\n
Do you trust this person to have your back?<\/h3>\n
Can you depend on this person in tough times or times of illness?<\/h3>\n