As a dating and relationship coach, the question about who pays on a date usually comes up often- especially with two professionals who are both earning a decent salary or income.
The rule is the person who asks is the one who pays on a date. This hasn’t changed in modern times. If a couple has met online, then for the first meeting, each person should expect to pay their own way. However, for the first greet and meet, it’s usually for coffee or something low cost. However, in this circumstance it is nice if the guy offers to pay and it will make him look more generous.
Then, after that, the person who asks is the one who pays on a date. I coached a 30 something woman whose boyfriend and her had similar jobs as software developers and earned similar salaries. Her boyfriend would ask her out and pay for dinner. They usually ended up back at her place and watched a movie on TV (Seriously, he was a perfect gentleman!). She finally got up the nerve to ask why they never went out to a concert or theatre after dinner. He said, “If you are willing to pitch in, we could do more”. At that point in time she had a choice to either go along to contribute or to be upset and leave the relationship. In the coaching I pointed out that she has a strong value around equal partnership, so why wouldn’t that go for financial contribution, as well? She really liked this guy and she agreed to pitch in. After that, the relationship was smooth sailing! They are now married.
I believe who pays on a date depends on each person’s relative incomes and personal expectations that come into play here. Today I see professional women who do want to pitch in and cover a share of the dating expenses. Those women who are more traditional expect the men to pay for most things. However, there needs to be some reciprocation (It’s not what you think!) She can offer to cook him dinner or buy the popcorn at the movies or she may even buy him gifts.
I did have a client who was paying for most of the dates. He didn’t mind that. What he did mind was that she never reciprocated by cooking him a meal, or offering to pay for part of the date. It seemed lopsided and he felt like he was being taken advantage of. The real kicker was when his girlfriend went to London for a trip and she didn’t even bring him back anything- not even a “Keep Calm” mug!
It all comes down to expectations and circumstances. One of my male clients lost his job and is now starting his own company. He is very much interested in finding a life partner and he needs to conserve his capital. He needs to find an understanding woman who is okay with nearly free events for dates. In this situation it would be okay if the woman bought tickets to a show and he cooked dinner before hand or brought a picnic to enjoy if the weather is nice. There are times that we all have to tighten up our belts so this is a real test of how someone will be in tough times.
What are your expectations around who pays for a date? What has been your experience in dating? Does your age group affect your expectations? This curious coach would like to know!
Intentionally yours,
Coach Amy
P.S. Get answers to this and other dating questions in our Motivated to Marry Dating Secrets Coaching Club. www.MotivatedtoMarryDatingSecrets.com. I will answer your questions personally in our twice a month Question and Answer support calls and in our private-secret Facebook group.
Good answers to a tricky topic. Some of this is also generational. After a couple of dates it may be smart to talk about the subject candidly to uncover “rules,” “judgments,” and “expectations” that may not be discussed otherwise. That can clear the way for many happy, relaxed dates ahead.
Rosalind Sedacca
Author, 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60!
Comment on this post
Amy,
Usually on a first date I try to arrive early and buy my own coffee or drink. If he is already there and offers to buy my beverage I offer to pay for the tip, as the least I can do. For subsequent dates I will again offer the tip. When we start dating more and I have done a background check on him (which I do before he knows where I live) I will invite him to my home for dinner.
Comment on this post
Any woman that insists on being paid for on a date, but still wants to be considered an equal is a hypocrite.
Lean in means you lean in all the time, even when the check comes.
That is all.
Comment on this post
“I did have a client who was paying for most of the dates. He didn’t mind that. What he did mind was that she never reciprocated by cooking him a meal, or offering to pay for part of the date. ”
Guess what he did mind. if the guy pays but feels like he’s doing all the work and that disturbs him, then he minds paying!
Comment on this post
“The rule is the person who asks is the one who pays on a date.”
Sorry but you’re just backtracking, society “rules” are basically the guy should always ask first. Right? how many women have been proactive and actually asked guys on dates? very few.
And please don’t say “well it’s your choice to ask or not” of course it is, but society tells us guys that we wont get anywhere unless we ask first.
Comment on this post
So far, 3 interesting comments, HardTruth. Like the reference to the “Lean In” movement. My take, and this has been a part of my being for as long as I can remember dating as an adult, is that I need to be with someone who has “skin in the game”. Doesn’t necessarily mean in reference to (specifically) financial, but yes, that’s a part of it. I don’t want to be the one coming up with the dating ideas, making 90% of the calls, and paying most of the time. (KINDA MAKES ME FEEL USED). I find it very (did I say VERY) sexy AND reassuring of my place in a relationship when, a. she can come to the table with a dating idea and b., she’ll actually pay for it. Come to think of it, that’s kinda what Amy was saying above, namely that the “new rule is: The asker pays”. So, if BOTH have ideas and events to invite the other to, then BOTH can share in the funding of said activities, events, etc.
Comment on this post
Yes, when I asked (And I did) some times it did result in me dating the fellow. However, he was not as proactive as I was and I got frustrated with having to do most of the planning. Some people accept that role gracefully and enjoy having the control over what they do as a couple. I know examples of women who earn more than men. The women do end up paying their fair share and more! It really depends on the expectations, relative financial situation and desire to be with one another. Sometimes a guy can go over board in the beginning and try too hard to impress. I felt he was over compensating for other things he was lacking :)!
Great conversation everyone!
Comment on this post
I think saying “it’s the asker’s obligation to pay” is a bit of a copout, when society EXPECTS men to always be the asker (this doesn’t mean the woman isn’t FREE to ask, she just isn’t OBLIGED to ask)
It’s similar to the grandfather clause for voting, where they wanted an end result but didn’t want to look bad getting it.
“It really depends on the expectations, relative financial situation and desire to be with one another”
but are those things mutually exclusive? I’ve met women that use financial situation as an indicator whether they want to be with one another.
“However, he was not as proactive as I was and I got frustrated with having to do most of the planning”
Welcome to the world of the guy.
Comment on this post
I’m so glad to see this issue addressed because today’s culture has made this an awkward issue for both men & women. I’m uasually a traditionalist who respects men and women”s different roles in the courtahip process EXCEPT when it comes to this issue. I’d prefer either taking turns paying or “go dutch”. That said, I try to follow the gentleman’s lead while letting him know I’d be more than happy to share the expense. I’m more interested in having a gentleman spend TIME on me, not money.
Comment on this post
Amazing! This blog looks exactly like my old one!
It’s on a totally different subject but it has pretty much the same page layout and design. Superb choice
of colors!
Comment on this post
A first meeting is exactly that, and not a date. As a gentleman, I make a suggestion, but allow for input until “we” decide what to do. I always take the lead in paying, but feel taken advantage of when my companion does not even offer, or worse, not even thank me. I’m as old fashioned egalitarian and cultured as anyone, but since there really are no “rules” here, it’s only polite to offer to contribute to that which has been consumed.
Comment on this post
Thank you for your male perspective. I appreciate you taking the time to comment on this blog. Yes, just common sense and not expecting a free ride is a good way to go.
Comment on this post