I got an email from a woman in my meetup group and she writes,
“I’m a marriage minded single woman in my late 30’s that is having a hard time with dating for marriage! I am very frustrated. I don’t seem to know the answers to all the do’s and don’ts. Do you tell men upfront that you want to get married? Do you ever call them? It seems like men play so many games. And, once they get your attention, they tend to run away. What is your advice?” This is a very common theme from my clients and the singles I talk to. My answer to her is this:
No one has all the answers and I don’t recommend you be someone that you are not. I do suggest that you be your authentic self. The right person will respond positively to you and the wrong ones will self select themselves out of your life. Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and visa versa.
Dating for marriage is a process where you need to be willing to spend the time to explore and get to know someone to see if you are a good fit. I teach there are three basic things you need to line up with a life partner:
- Your relationship values need to be aligned.
- Your life goals need to be the same and you need to want the same things out of life.
- Your Must Haves has to be present in the relationship where you don’t see any of your deal breakers.
It takes time to really get to know someone and you have to be a detective where you are looking for the clues to all the above. Life goals are the easiest to discover because you can just ask, “What goals have you set for yourself in the next 2 to 5 years?” And then, you can share after your date answers the above question, “I see myself married (again) (with a family)”. You fill in the blanks here. If your goals are not similar, then it’s for the best that you not continue the relationship (or “run away” to use your words).
If your date says, “I don’t know”, then he is either living day to day which is not good for a Motivated to Marry® woman or he is not willing to share this with you, which is also a red flag. I would look for someone who is clear about their goals and open enough to share them with you.
I recommend when you are dating for marriage you have this conversation within a month of meeting someone and when you start seeing some chemistry and that the relationship has potential. I waited 3 months with one fellow before I had the conversation about my goal to get married and have a child. We were really getting along well. Then I found out he did not want more children, after raising 4 kids – which I didn’t know that fact since he told me he had 2 kids originally (his ex came with two young children). Given my goal to have my own child, I had to make that difficult decision to leave that relationship.
When I met my husband Alan, I was 41 and really Motivated to Marry® an wanted to have a family. I fine-tuned my dating for marriage approach to having that conversation within a month of meeting someone. My philosophy was if the guy runs, let him!
When I mentioned my goal of wanting to get married and have a family, Alan said, “Me too!” Then I knew this relationship had potential and continued to date him.
In a healthy, relationship that is a partnership, playing games are not an issue. You can call up a guy. I had a client who enjoyed a date and did call the guy up again to say,” I enjoyed our date, thank you. I would like to see you again”. This man was not in the best place in his life and didn’t follow up with her first. They did go out again, and now they are married!
There are some do’s and don’ts that I do share with my clients in my coaching programs, however, bottom line is that special someone has to accept you for you and appreciate who you are-the good and the bad! It’s best to find a man who is open to getting to know the real you and who shares your relationship values and life goals. Stay true to yourself, stay the course and you will eventually find true love!
Intentionally yours,
Coach Amy
PS. If you want to discover how to be dating for marriage (or a seriously, committed relationship), then go to http://www.MotivatedtoMarry.com and grab my free e-course, “7 Steps to Finding Your True Love Partner”.
