It is always disheartening to coach with someone that has a hard time believing that they are ever going to meet that right marriage minded person. In a conversation with a 40 year old female client, she revealed, “Who would want me? I am opinionated and accomplished- and most men feel threatened by me, not to mention that I am over 40!”
My response is, “I know many accomplished women who speak their minds and they are married – and in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond”. I added, “The right man will appreciate you for all these things and more!”
Our thoughts have energy and these thoughts, in turn, affect our attitude and beliefs. Our attitudes and beliefs influence our demeanor and actions (or we can become inactive or stuck). What I hear from my clients is, “It’s not going to happen for me, so why bother?” Yes, why bother to try online dating? Why bother to go on Meetups or to other places and events where there are single, eligible marriage minded people to meet? So you do nothing! How does NOTHING help you achieve your goal of having a loving relationship?
I see that my clients who have succeeded at love don’t give up. They persist and keep on trying. And they eventually do succeed meeting that marriage minded person. There is a refinement process where you are taking your negative experiences (and near misses that may not be so negative), and as a feedback loop, you are making better decisions about who you are willing to date, thus increasing your chances to succeed this time around.
I never doubted for a moment that I would get married again. I had faith and foolhardy persistence. I knew that it was just a matter of time. Yes, many men rejected me (ouch- that hurts) and that I had to reject some of the men I dated too (Sorry!). However, after refining my approach, I met my husband Alan. It was definitely worth the wait! So there is no way to avoid rejection. You are either saying, “yes” or “no” to someone you are evaluating as a mate. It’s part of the dating process.
How do you plan on staying hopeful in your pursuit to a meet marriage minded person? What do you need to do to change your belief system to “I will find true love in six months!” If you truly believe it is possible, then you will see possibilities emerge.
However, putting a lot of pressure on yourself and being very tense about meeting The One will back fire on you. Something has to shift where you do believe you are worthy of love and you become more Zen about dating. If you let go of the thought that this may be The One and just stay open to the fact you are exploring possibilities and getting to know someone to see if they are a good fit, then dating will be more relaxed and fun.
And if you are truly a good fit, then the relationship will move forward at a natural, right pace for your age and stage of life. I have witnessed this time and time again with my clients, my friends and myself.
Dating is a balancing act between having the belief that love is possible and creating your best possible life as a whole person with a good support network of positive and affirming friends and family members. And if you are completely shut off from this possibility to find love (and you truly want this in your life), then I recommend you seek help from a therapist or counselor who can help you work through the stuff holding you back. And if you find you have too much on your plate at this time to even make time for finding love, then, I recommend you seek the help of a life coach to work on finding the time to have a relationship in your life.
I subscribe to the philosophy that everyone deserves love. Also, I believe love is possible for those who have the courage to do the work necessary to find love, are willing to take a hard look at what is holding them back from doing so and are ready to take bold steps to get out there to meet all sorts of people, will eventually find true love.
What is your current philosophy about love? What belief are you holding on to? How do you plan on moving forward? This curious coach would love to know! I look forward to reading your comments below!
Intentionally Yours,
Coach Amy
PS. If you are ready to do what it takes to find that marriage minded person, then let’s have a conversation about how we can get your dating efforts jumpstarted by filling out www.TalkwithCoachAmy.com so we can have a complimentary 30 minute Meet Your Mate strategy session to have you meet that Marriage Minded person within the next 6 months.
I love this approach, everything in life is down to manifestation. If you truly believe that something is going to come to you, then it eventually will. A client of mine likes to use a mantra, every morning and every night “I will be dating my fiance by Christmas 2014”. It’s all about being specific in what you want and not worrying about the how or the were. Just give it plenty of energy and trust in the universe.
Thank you for such a great article!
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Amy,
Hi. I appreciate your advice. However, the dating scene in the DC area is challenging, as I have experienced and several other women I have met have confirmed also. Here are the statistics in DC that I have read. For every single man (and this is not including the percentage of gay men in DC) there are 10 single woman. I hear that a woman needs to stay positive and persistent in finding Mr. Right, but the research of this area needs to be addressed. In my book, ‘Become Your Own Matchmaker’ by Patti Stanger (the Millionaire Matchmaker), she rates DC as one of the worst cities to live in to meet Mr. Right due to the disproportion of women to men. In order to find Mr. Right she lists cities where men outnumber women.
I won’t let this area or my poor dating life get me down. I feel I have not written a good enough profile on-line and am using the wrong dating websites. Lastly, the fact that people are so consumed by their careers in this area, and do not recognize the benefits of living a balanced life, is also difficult to deal with. Taking time to smell the flowers goes a long way in the overall quality of life.
Thanks,
Diana
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I met my husband and DC and so have my other clients. There are plenty of men if you know where to find them and how to connect with the right one. One can always go into scarcity (there is never enough) mode or be positive. What I teach my clients is how to put themselves out there to attract the right one. What I see is that most people are using the wrong tools to find love. My values based approach is what is working for my clients. Also, focusing on the positive. There is one thing to write a cute and fun profile that attracts men (good and bad). It’s another to write one the attracts the right one.
I know you have been working on this for a while. However, there may be other things in your life that is not supporting your dating life and turning off good potential mates. Thanks for sharing and date with intention!
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Thanks for your insights. Yes, it’s one thing to wish for love and it’s another thing to do the work to get you to that place. I believe in a mix of the attraction principle and doing the necessary steps to
finding love- that puts you with people who share your core relationship values and life goals.
To learn my approach go to http://www.motivatedtomarry.com.
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I liked this article a lot. Having a positive mindset really helps. And, for the record, there is no way that there are 10 women for every 1 man in DC. As you know, Amy, I have dated dozens and dozens of men (in the 37-50 age group). While I haven’t yet found “the one” it’s not because of lack of men. There are plenty out there- and lots of good ones too!
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Thanks for chiming in. Yes, there are plenty of men. Most women (and men) are either passing over someone who could be great by not giving a good guy (gal) a chance to get to know them. Of course if you realize you want something different in life and you have different relationship values – no matter how attracted to a person you are, it won’t work out in the long run. There is something in yourself that is keeping you from connecting with great people – to explore for you. Last, there is something about being confident in who you are and being ready and open for a relationship. Those who do stick with the process do succeed!
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