In a coaching session with one of my male 40 something clients, who is motivated to marry and wants a family, made a comment that he prefers not to date women with children already from either divorce or losing a spouse. Given his age range, the probability of meeting someone that had been married and has kids is fairly high.
I probed further. Yes, it would be great to start fresh with no baggage or no ex husband. However, we all have some baggage at some point in our lives – a special needs sibling or a sick parent. I have seen it time and time again. I also have seen my male clients and friends date single moms with great satisfaction and reward.
One such client actually sought out a single mom who had one child. As it turned out, she was single by choice (meaning she had never been married and had a child by adoption). My fifty something client had never been married and he loved children. This was a perfect situation for him.
There are many preconceived ideas and one has to really investigate if this deal breaker of not dating single moms is a valid deal breaker. One of my dating tips for singles is to consider that not all situations are created equal.
- Some people have a very cordial and good partnership with their ex.
- Some kids are very self-sufficient at a certain age
- Many of these women have very good incomes and would not require a man to have to pay for the child’s expenses.
- Some women are open to having more children.
Another one of my 40 something clients married a single mom with one child moved into her beautiful home in the DC suburbs. He says it’s been a huge adjustment for him, however, the rewards have outweighed the negatives. And there is the possibility of them having their own child.
Another one of my top dating tips for singles is that you have to put some boundaries around what you are willing to do and not do as a man dating a single mom. It’s important to be real upfront about that as a way to manage expectations.
Of course the same would hold true for never married or women without children dating single dads.
What are your non-negotiables around dating and are they really helping you reach your ultimate goal of finding a loving, life partner and having a family? Or are you eliminating good potential mates?
This inquiring coach would like to know!
Intentionally yours,
Coach Amy
Hi Amy, Thanks for posting blogs like this. I like this write-up. It’s true, you really need to be open minded (I’m 40). As much as I would like to date someone in the DC area I have met someone (age 45) via eHarmony that seems really nice, lives in FL, is divorced (for 10 years), and has 3 children (who live in OR). I’m not sure how this will all work out however we have much in common and are enjoying the process of getting to know one another. Like me he is marriage minded. At this point we are taking it slow.
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Thanks Christine for sharing your experience. You never know what road life will take you if you are open to it! The key is to keep the lines of communication open for long distance dating. Good luck. Coach Amy
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