I’m turning 40, a husband or a baby, do I have to choose?

Turning 40 for a single woman wanting both a husband and a family can be a very difficult place to be. Today there are several choices that are available to you, especially if you have dreamed of being a mother and having a child of your own to love.

Perhaps you feel that you can’t wait for Mr. Wonderful to show up. What if he doesn’t?

And yet, while you are exploring your options you are dating and trying to meet a life partner. I know your dilemma. I too was 40 and single myself.

However, I had decided I wanted to be married if I had kids. I never considered being a single mom by choice. And yet many of my clients do and I have friends who decided to have children on their own either by donor or by adoption.

Perhaps you feel like time is running out and you can no longer wait , especially if you want to get pregnant, having a child of your own and becoming a single mom by choice.

If you are dating, what should you say to a potential date about your future plans? When is the right time to bring up this subject? And how do you think a man would react to your plans to have a baby on your own?

In this article, we will be exploring this topic. Feel free to comment below, if you are open sharing your thoughts.

Time passes so quickly and if we don’t keep our sites on our goals, our opportunities may diminish for the outcome we truly desire. The reality is our chance for biological children as women lessen greatly in our late 30’s into our early 40’s. Now with the technology, women in their early to mid 30’s are freezing their eggs so they don’t feel the pressure to settle in on a mate just to have children. And, there are many more options available to women today including adoption.

Unfortunately many women feel that it’s an “either/or” situation. They feel that if they go the baby route on their own, they will have to forgo having a loving male partner in their life. Or, if they decide to date to find a life partner route, then they may have to give up their dream of having their own, biological child. In reality, this is not necessarily true.

Men meet and marry single women with kids all the time. It’s more about finding a fit for finding a life partner who wants the family life as well. There are many men who feel they may be too old to manage with a new baby in their 50’s and prefer to be in the step parent role.

One of my clients, Brett, was in his early 50’s and never married. He first focused on his education with a masters and a law degree and didn’t focus on having a relationship leading to marriage and a family. Being more shy and introverted, I recommended online dating for him. We worked together on his online profile for a major site and that is how he met Lynn. Lynn had adopted a girl from South America and she was now about 8 years old. Brett was thrilled to be involved in Lynn’s daughter’s life as well as taken with Lynn herself. They did get married and came together as a family. Now they live happily ever after.

Now to address the situation of having baby or finding a mate. If you are dating a man who is motivated to marry and desires his own biological children, then your current efforts to get pregnant could be a turn off to him. His reaction, which he may keep to himself, may be, “what about me?”. The worst thing for a guy is to feel he isn’t needed. It’s different when a man meets a woman with the child(ren) already in her life.

So I recommend you not tell him your plans until you see if there is anything real between the two of you. I’m not saying to keep it a dark secret forever. However, if you do start dating regularly and there seems to be mutual interest, then it would be time to share that you are interested in having a child and you are considering using a donor male. Also, share that you feel time is running out for you and you don’t want to put that pressure on him as a potential partner.

Then you can see how he reacts to the news. You may be pleasantly surprised that he is supportive of your desire and efforts.

On the other hand, I have had clients meet and marry within 6 months or less. Perhaps he is on the same page as you and the two of you fall madly in love.
And, you two decide to soon after the wedding, start trying to have your own child. I have seen this happen too.

I get that you feel you can’t wait since there are no guarantees that this will happen for you.

Again, I recommend you think about what you want for your life and how you envision life to be like for you three years from now. Are you married with a child? Are you a single parent? You get to create the life you envision.

Life is about taking a path and seeing what lies down that road. It’s an adventure!

Isn’t it wonderful that we have choices in this day and age? Sometime too many choices can paralyze us too. Whatever you decide, I’m sure you will make the most of your life and all the incredible people in your life who love and adore you.

Intentionally yours,

Coach Amy

PS. To learn more about dating for a serious, long lasting relationship and marriage you can join our private Facebook group at www.facebook.com/group/motivatedtomarrysingles. We have lots of fun discussions going on there and you will join a community of like minded people.

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