Have you heard that you need to “meet a lot of people” to find the right one? Well, I’m here to tell you that meeting people is not enough; you need to flirt with a lot of people. Attraction, chemistry, a spark–whatever you want to call it–comes from two people flirting with each other. If you don’t know how to flirt, then you won’t ever really know if there’s the potential for a good match with the people you meet.
Flirting is a vulnerable process. You’re putting yourself out there, and taking a risk. What exactly are you risking? Well, for one thing, they might not be interested or available.
But even if you aren’t afraid of rejection, flirting can still make you feel awkward and silly if you’re worried you’ll look stupid or you won’t know what to say. Luckily, flirting does not need to be that way. There are too many complex flirting techniques out there that are designed to make only a few already naturally smooth people look great–and would be a socially awkward disaster for the rest of us.
Forget playing mind games or pretending to be something you aren’t. The true art of how to flirt is knowing how to create attraction in a casual setting, using your own authentic personality. Not only can flirting be a low-risk activity, it can actually be something you enjoy!
Here are 5 tips for Low-Risk Flirting:
You cannot know how to flirt well if you’re feeling insecure. Many people get tense in dating because they feel like they have to perform, or present themselves in a certain way. The best way to ditch this “stage fright” is to stop acting. Take a deep breath. Relax. You really only have to be yourself (seriously!), and anyway, nothing bad will happen, even if you do strike out.
2. Be Choosy
One of the biggest sources of dating anxiety is the mentality of hoping that others will like you. Instead, go out looking for someone you like.
Get clear on what kind of person you want to attract (if you’ve been working with Coach Amy 1-on-1, my guess is you’ve already done this!). Now, when you go out, ask yourself if you like them, if they meet your values and criteria. Be the interviewer, rather than thinking of yourself as being interviewed.
Not only does this increase your chances of meeting the right person, it also will help you flirt better, because instead of focusing so much on yourself (worrying about what they think of you), you’ll be able to focus on them and really listen to what they’re saying, in the process of evaluating them as a potential future partner.
Also, here’s a hint: although your list of what you want in a partner will be personal to you, there are two pieces of criteria I believe everyone should have:
1. They are truly available (this includes emotionally available)
2. They seem to be attracted to you
This way, if someone is either uninterested or unavailable, instead of feeling rejected, you can think to yourself, “Oh, they are not who I want. I will keep looking.” In other words, being choosy keeps your confidence levels up, regardless of how people are responding to you.
3. Make Friends First
Many people are afraid to be too friend-like while flirting because they don’t want to end up in the Friend Zone, but the truth is, friendship is an important part of flirting. Flirting is a combination of lust (creating by polarity–as in, opposites attract), and trust, which is created through friendship. Without the friendship/trust part of this equation, your interaction might be momentarily exciting, but it won’t turn into anything worthwhile.
This doesn’t mean you need to be friends for a long time before you can ask them out; the friendship can last for a couple of minutes. However, most people won’t know whether or not they want to date you unless they first figure out that they want to be your friend. Friendships are built on what you two have in common, so start there. Once you’ve been talking for a bit and established trust, you can start throwing in some “riskier” banter like teasing or sexual innuendos. They will be much better received this way.
4. Stop Worrying About What to Say (And Focus on How You Say It)
Too many people worry about what to say in flirting, but the truth is, your words are only about 7% of what matters in flirting. 38% is tone of voice, and 53% is your body language. Most flirtations would be boring transcriptions. One of the hottest flirtations I ever had was a 20 minute conversation about what is better in a martini: an olive, or a twist. This is not exactly the stuff of Einstein, but that didn’t matter one bit.
Instead, make sure you have good posture. Don’t be afraid to lean in close or touch them lightly and playfully. And practice your flirty voice (everyone has a flirty voice–try it now and you’ll see!)
5. Have Fun
Knowing how to flirt is all about having fun! Make your search for the right person a fun game that involves flirting with as many people as possible. Plus, having fun automatically makes you the person that everyone else wants to be around–in other words, you won’t just enjoy yourself more, you’ll have more flirting success.
This guest blog post was written by Liz Leia from The Art of Flirting, www.artofflirting.com.